I want to thank you for reading and following my blog. I have been highly inconsistent over the last year due to two reasons.
My blog was centered around relationships and dealing with those while being 30 and single. Well, I started dating an incredible woman and that topic became a little less relevant.
My brother-in-law who was also my best friend passed away. Nothing else seemed to matter while he struggled and fought for life.
On that note, I do plan on giving this blog a new look, a new name, and then continue writing authentically and from my heart.
Thanks for continuing to follow me despite the lack of writing and thank you for the love and support as always.
Where is Will? Not as in, “Is he in heaven?,” “Is he standing before Jesus?,” “Is he in Paradise?,” “Is he nowhere?,” or “Is he just in the ground?”
But that’s not my question anyways. My question comes from everyday as in when I was at home for Christmas… Where is Will?… When I need advice on relationships… Where is Will… When I’m starting a new venture and need his input and creativity… Where is Will?… When I want to talk to someone who I know will understand and listen….. Where is Will?… When something exciting happens and I want to share it with someone I know who has been through the same trials… Where is Will?
Where is he? Seriously. Where? Why? Why did God decide to take him?
Not to put a play on words, but it has caused me in some ways to lose my will. To lose the hope I once saw with. The joy I would find in this life. I see with new eyes. And they lack the hope they once had. They lack the joy they once had. They see disease. They see heartache. They see pain. They see families dreading the holiday season. Dreading Christmas, dreading birthdays. And they wonder why the world is filled with so much pain.
I see people fighting to survive, fighting to stay here on the earth longer and I go… “Why?” “What are you trying to live for?” It pains me to see others go through so much pain to try to survive… and for what? I’ve seen the fight first hand. And it was brutal. And it won. And since the cancer won, it took more than Will from us, it took much of our own resolve, our joy, our hope for beauty in the here and now. And it causes me to question why others fight to have a few more years on this earth. Because to me, the earth lost its joy. But for many there is plenty to fight for…. There are spouses, children, families and loved ones.
It’s so strange feeling this way when – I mean, no one maybe in the history of life fought harder for life than Will did. And he did so for you. For Angie, for his loved ones, for those God had put in his path to bring hope to.
But now that we’ve lost Will, rather than it being inspiring it makes life seem not that important.
I’m reminded of when Jesus died. The disciples simply went back to fishing. And then Jesus comes back and they start the greatest revolution ever known to man. That’s really cool. And I’m really glad Jesus came back to give us a little more direction and a lot more hope. Sadly, Will’s not coming back. And with so many questions, there’s only one guy I want to find so I can ask him, so… “Where’s Will?”
I didn’t realize what happened when Will passed. I’m not sure if it was because I had been living close to his death for so long or what…
But those times of us fighting for Will’s life were sweet. Meeting new people, making new friends. Crying out to God, trusting Him from the depths of my soul. Cherishing moments, every moment, with Will, with Angie, with family and friends.
When Will passed, some of those moments were still there. The community was there. The family was there. Will’s music and testimony were there.
Will’s legacy and creativity created a longing in me to never lose a moment, to create all that I could.
And the result of all of those feelings has led to…
…just about nothing.
Instead of being inspired, I have in turn, lost all motivation.
I discipline myself to get through life.
When Will passed, I listened to his music everyday, all day. Now, I can’t listen to his music anymore, it hurts too much.
Even after he passed, I would make sure to read at least a chapter of my Bible daily. Now, I am lucky to get through a few verses each day.
And it’s not even because I don’t want to. It’s because I don’t care.
For a moment, I was inspired to dream. Now, my dreams are waning.
One thing that it has created is that it has given me a greater compassion for others. Others who are hurting. Others who have lost.
I don’t help others when they are in pain anymore.
I join them in their pain.
I still go to church but I’m pretty neutral towards it. Worship is often the hardest. Recently, I really just didn’t want to be there, so I stepped outside and started walking. I decided to walk to Target, why not. I found a homeless lady outside. “What’s your name?” I said. I let her know I would be back later that evening and every week after. “What could you use?” “I have peanut butter, I could use some jelly… and some dog food for Angel.”
I used to look down on people with nothing who used resources for pets. But Angel was her best friend. Angel stands by her, stands with her. Something I’ve never done.
I was leaving Fred Meyer when a disheveled man came racing to my car. He rambled a bit and asked for money for a bus ride. “Do you just want a ride?” I said. Some people think scary people like that should be avoided – maybe they will shoot you or steal your car but… I don’t really care anymore, I’d rather just have compassion for him. He did indeed just want money though. So I gave him all the money I had in my wallet. “Hold on, I have some change in the car, you can have that too.” I mean seriously, I don’t care. He might buy alcohol or something, but at least that may alleviate some pain in his life rather than dollar bills burning a hole in my pocket.
I went back to my car and started to take off when I saw a man going through the garbage looking for bottles. I turned around and dropped my bottles in his cart.
I’d still say I’m mad at God. I don’t care to spend much time with Him. My motivation for life is sincerely lacking. But, I can definitely join others in their pain now rather than handing out Bible verses.
I see people hurting everywhere now. Maybe I just couldn’t see before. Or maybe I actually respond to those I see now.
I’ve lost a lot of hope in this world and what it has to offer.
And that sucks. I want to have hope in this world. I want to believe I can accomplish things here. But everything seems so insignificant. I want to dream. To pursue relationships. A family. A career…. But I just don’t know anymore…
I’ve certainly lost hope in this world. But maybe that’s a good thing.
Two eyebrows suck in and point up. The cheeks clasp and the lips open without a sound as the face slants to the northwest.
“Hey John, how are you doing?” said the friend, the other friend, another friend, a co-worker, an acquaintance, the friend of the friend, someone I don’t know, another person I hardly know and another friend.
“Amen! Praise God! Rejoice! Will is in heaven!! ” Wait, no, that’s not what I said. I think I just made that face and that was about it.
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I received a text message several months ago that my brother-in-law (Will) was in a gravely serious condition. I made a phone call to a doctor friend to clarify the news and indeed got word Will may only have days to weeks to live.
Will’s more than a brother-in-law to me.
He’s a best friend. A brother. My only brother. A mentor. My hero. And a host of other things but… back to the story.
I cried.
And I cried.
And I bought an airline ticket, grabbed my suit, and flew to LA devastated by the news.
I walked into the hospital room, saw him lying motionless in his bed, looking disfigured, and I started crying. I couldn’t bear seeing him like that. I couldn’t bear knowing I wouldn’t see him at all soon. My sister Kelli also joined in the orchestra of tears.
Then Angie (my sister, Will’s wife), stepped in with a battlecry. “This is not a room of tears. If you need to cry, step outside. This is a room of prayer. And of hope. William is still with us and as long as he is with us, we are going to continue to believe and pray for Will’s healing.”
I was sold. More than sold. I was excited! No more tears. Only hope. I mean, why not hope? We serve the God who heals the sick and raises the dead. Why I had I assumed so easily that a medical diagnosis was the final answer.
Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find”
I left a week and a half later, returning with an unused suit and a renewed hope. I continued to pray, occasionally fast, while continuing to hope and believe for Will’s healing.
I began combing the Scriptures for instances of healing and found out that was pretty much what the Gospels had to offer. I wrote down every reference of healing in the New Testament.
Hope, healing, and redemption. Jesus was going around healing people like it was his job. And I think it was. And my understanding of authority and faith continued to grow as I began to study what authority truly meant and the authority I had been given by Christ.
Mark 16:17-18 And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues… they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”
Luke 9:1 When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases.
My faith increased and increased. It didn’t just increase without resolve. I got excited about it. Real excited. I started praying for people all the time. After every church service, I would go to the prayer room just to find people to pray for. I wanted to breathe life and hope into others through prayer and through the power of the Word of God. And my family’s faith increased. My sister Kelli was getting up 45 minutes early to circle around her house (Angie and Will’s former house) and pray for them. My mother was circling every morning in prayer as well, circling the clinic in which Will was receiving treatment (in reference to Joshua 6:15). And with each passing moment, we believed more and more that not only could William be healed but that he would.
Psalm 103:1-3 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy Name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.
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The doctors had given Will a short timeline to live. Many Christians were already ushering Will into heaven. “He’s run his race.” “It’s time for him to go to his eternal home. This is not his true home.” Cool, thanks for that advice, it’s pretty helpful as he’s here on earth fighting for his life.
If Will was ready to head on to heaven, maybe that would be ok. It’d suck but it’d be ok. But he wasn’t. He was in the fight of his life, literally. And we were with him.
From the #goteamgray blog – http://goteamgray.com/2013/07/14/trip-to-the-icu-from-angie/ – “That morning I (Angie) asked him if he was ever tired of fighting so hard. He said, “Yes.” I asked him what keeps him fighting. He said, “I just want to glorify God here… and I got stuff to do” (in his typical “I got stuff to do, people” voice).”
And if he wanted to stay and glorify God in his life on earth, we were gonna fight and pray with all we had for him to stay here.
We put all our hopes and fears before God and trusted in His power. We brought in elders to pray for his healing according to James 5:14-15 Is any of you sick? He should call on the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.
We believed with faith that could move mountains according to Matthew 17:20 …”Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
We prayed and we fasted. Matthew 17:21 But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.
We anointed his body. Mark 6:13 They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them.
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Will continued to fight and showed small signs of improvement. He regained some strength and a bit of energy.
Will receiving Gold Record for co-writing the single, “Do You Remember” on Blake Shelton’s album
And the days went by.
And the weeks went by.
And the months went by.
And William was still with us. In fact, William was celebrating his 33rd birthday with many of his friends.
News did not get much better in regards to the outlook for his healing but he seemed to be improving greatly. He was moving around. And most of all, he was present. We loved having him “back.”
And we continued to pray and continued to fast and continued to cry out to the one and only God who could save Him. Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.
And when Will took a dramatic turn for the worse, our faith was questioned but not shook. Once again, Angie engaged us in continued prayer and hope for life.
We continued to believe more than ever. We needed God more than ever. All of our chips were on the table. Our backs were against the wall but our faces were turned towards Him. Everything we had was in God’s basket per se. With people all over the world, doctors, and others thinking Will’s race had been run – we, along with so many others around the world, said…. “God, we believe you can heal Will and we trust you for His healing. Our hope is in You.”
… and as Will slowly faded away…
…he did just that,
he faded away. To no applause. To no angels in the sky. To silence.
Will was gone.
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Tears followed. But belief still reigned. There was no doubt that God could still raise Will and for the next couple of weeks, a continued hope that He would was still there.
John 11:43-44 Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out.
Acts 9:40 Turning to the dead woman (Peter) said, “Tabitha, get up.” She opened her eyes…and sat up.
Acts 20:9-10 Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep, fell to the ground…and was picked up dead. Paul went down, threw himself on the young man and put his arms around him…”He’s alive!”
John 14:11-12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in My Name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.
But God’s response was the same, silence.
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“Hey John, how are you doing?” said the friend, the other friend, another friend, a co-worker, an acquaintance, the friend of the friend, someone I don’t know, another person I hardly know and another friend.
It’s not an easy question. Not only did I lose someone who I love, someone who will absolutely never be replaced in mine or my family’s life, mostly my beloved sister, I was left with a bucketful of promises and a silent God.
Feeling like Elijah versus the prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18:18-40) and ending up with mud on our faces, as if our God was the one sleeping. “Hey God, here we are…our hope is in You” …silence… “God, we’re praying, and fasting, and trusting, and hoping…God, we are doing everything You have asked.” …silence… And the world wins. The doctors win. All those who felt Will couldn’t be healed win. Everyone who put their hope in Will’s diagnosis wins. It appears as if 10,000 prayers weren’t enough. As if simple prayers and faith weren’t enough. And that’s hard, real hard.
I’ve never met anyone with more faith than my sister Angie. With doctors giving up all hope – with many Christians giving up hope – She defied the doctors diagnosis. To proclaim hope when no one else would. To stand up for God’s power and greatness when no one else would…
(Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.)
…And then to receive silence in return. That’s hard. What is the reward? Seeing a beloved tortured for 10 months, having him die, then having those images burned in your mind, having to move from your home, your city, your community without your beloved…
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I do trust God. Our whole family’s hope is still in Him (Thoughts from 35,000 feet). There is nothing else or anyone else to turn to. It’s just the difficulties and reality of what we are facing.
It’s not as if I should be afraid to question God, He’s bigger. He’s big enough. He needs no validation. He is who He is. My questioning means nothing. I mean, He could Job me. (Job 40:1-2) The Lord said to Job “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” He goes on to tell Job how great and awesome and wise He truly is. I would probably be completely terrified if God did speak to me like that, but at the same time, I think I’d prefer that over the silence. It would be nice to know He really is here and cares for us. But I would probably die at the presence of His voice and glory. A win-win? (to hear God speak – and to die) Or a lose-lose? (to hear God speak – and to die)
And as I question and process, my hope is that He would indeed encourage us to question and dive into the mystery of Himself.
And so I do.
But it’s not so much questioning Him. I believe in Him. I believe Jesus is the Son of God who died for my sins. It’s more of a wonderment. I am puzzled. I am puzzled at this great God who seems to have, for lack of better words, let us down. I don’t believe He has, but it seems…
We were engaged in a fierce battle for William’s life. We fought with everything we had. We trusted and believed God and the power of His Word and promises. And yet, were we fighting against Him the whole time? I mean, I’m sure He heard us, heard our prayers, saw our tears. But then… decided not to respond?
People talk about the compassion and humanity of Jesus when he was moved to tears at the death of Lazarus and the sadness of His friends (John 11:35). So what did He do? Oh, He just raised him back to life. Here people, have your friend and brother back.
Jesus did cry… and then brought Lazarus back only minutes later? Yet others of us are left in tears for a lifetime.
When the woman bleeding for twelve years (Matthew 9:20, 22) touched the edge of His cloak, did Jesus respond in silence and continue walking through the crowd? No, power went out from Him and she was healed. I’m pretty sure we were pulling Jesus’ cloak as hard as we could. We were like the four men dropping Will through a hole in the ceiling (Mark 2:3-12) and laying Will at Jesus’ feet, only to have the Master continue teaching as Will died in front of Him.
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Sometimes I picture William being healed, his face being restored and him sitting up and all of us rejoicing and celebrating the Lord and Will’s life. And I just imagine how much worship would scream out of my body to our All Mighty and All Powerful God.
…and then in my head, I hear others saying, “you should worship God like that regardless. Don’t worship Him for what He can do but for who He is.”
But that is the question indeed. Who is He? I can worship Him for who He is for sure but that is a question we all know in part, and I am realizing that more than ever. We are far too quick and too fair to shout words of praise that we don’t understand, to sing lyrics that we don’t abide by, and to live (recklessly) rather than to love recklessly.
I remember Will saying “Everyone’s theology is about 20% off.” I thought at the time, “That makes a lot of sense.” Now I think, “Maybe everyone’s theology is about 20% right.” And God is just that much bigger and mysterious than we can understand.
My God is Powerful – but He doesn’t always use His power. My God is Merciful – but oftentimes, it does not seem so. My God is the Healer – but only when He chooses (earthly-speaking). My God is Loving – and I’m not sure how that exactly fleshes itself out on earth. I hear people talk about crawling up on God’s lap and things like that that sound really nice and cozy. But I also crawled up on God’s lap and watched my brother die, knowing He had the power to rescue him. And this does not even compare to Angie’s experience which has left her simply trying to breathe (Just Try to Breathe).
I often hear people say that when you pray, God responds with a yes, no, or wait. But 2 Corinthians 1:19-20 says For the Son of God, Jesus Christ… was not “Yes” and “No,” but in Him it has always been “Yes.” For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.”…. That sounds like a lot of Yes’s to me. In fact it seems like all Yes’s. But the Bible is littered with a lot of No’s. No’s to God’s promises. This “Yes,” maybe is simply referring to our salvation and redemption. But if this is the case, someone please keep your Jesus Promise Books from me because those promises simply aren’t true. …at least, in the way we perceive them to be.
Promise – God will rescue you. Our Perception – God will get me out of this and make things better. Real Life – God might just let you suffer and die.
Just because He is rescuing you doesn’t mean He’s going to rescue you like He did someone like David, maybe He will rescue you from earth entirely as you greatly suffer along the way.
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I thought during Will’s story that there was a good chance he was a modern-day Job. Dealing with unruly and intense, undeserving suffering. Day by day, suffering more and more and more and more. Pain that was unbearable, unimaginable to most of us. A tumor breaking the bones in his eye socket. A tumor on his spine. Cancer in his lungs. Cancer in his bones. Cancer in his pelvis. Cancer in his lymph nodes. Tumor on his sternum. G-tube in his stomach. Eye removed. Part of jaw removed. Unable to open his mouth, unable to speak or to walk, legs the size of arms, liters and liters of fluid filling his lung cavities, hooked up to machine upon machine….
I was expecting and waiting for the healing and the double blessing heaped on top for his faithfulness. …video recorded right before finding out the cancer had returned –
Job 42:10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.
I was wrong.
I also imagined a spiritual battle. A warfare. A fight in the heavens for Will’s life, Will, God’s chosen servant. “Have you (satan) considered my servant Will?” in reference to Job 1:8.
And now, I felt, we were all engaged in this battle. Having prayers intercepted…
Daniel 10:12-14Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come….”
…and continuing to pray and fast. Isaiah 58:6,9 “Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke…. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here I am.”
And yet, when we prayed with authority and confronted evil… silence.
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One of my favorite things to do in this life is to pray. I guess I should say, it was one of my favorite things and I dearly wish it to be again. I want to pray and believe God hears and responds. But right now, I can’t. I did pray. And God didn’t respond. Something, anything, would be cool. Just to know He’s there. And He cares. One might say, “He does care. He counts the hairs on your head (Matthew 10:29-31).” Yet one might also say, “believe and it will be moved, ask and you will receive, where 2 or more gather”…
Matthew 18:18-20 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
I miss seeing a beautiful sunset and saying, “thank You.” It’s hard to be thankful when the thing you want the most is not here. It’s hard to be thankful to God when what has happened has literally crushed your family and sister when you know God had the power to keep that from happening. I miss reading and embracing the Word of God. That’s where I would always end up for wisdom, for guidance, for anything. And now, I feel like I’m on my own. Just trying to live this life through sheer will-power and determination. And I will give you an update on that, I suck. I am a pretty lame dude on my own. I really need God a lot. But when you feel someone doesn’t care about you (your family), they aren’t really the type of person you want to spend time with, you know?
I went for a walk the other day in prayer towards God and the first thing in my head was, “God, are You an imaginary best friend or are You real?”…
“I talk to You like You are (real). But You respond like You’re not.”
I wrote, “Our whole lives – we’ve just believed. And then when it came to where we needed God to come through, its as if He failed. I don’t get it. I don’t believe that He failed because I don’t believe that’s who He is but it just makes me …. ———–“
That’s as far as I got. I don’t know what it makes me.
Now would this feel different had we accepted Will’s fate as death and trusted in the doctors rather than having faith in God for healing?
Absolutely.
We would have celebrated the last days of Will’s life the best we could. We would have said our ‘I love you’s’ and our ‘goodbyes.’ We would have thanked God for a life well lived.
But God did not give us a peace in accepting death as Will’s fate. Instead, He gave us tremendous will to fight. He gave Angie supernatural grace and strength to enter into Will’s pain each day on little to no sleep or food for 10 months. God sent the perfect people each day, each week, to support, help, and serve Will and Angie every step of the way. God was there!
And yet, God left Will’s body tormented.
It was as if He was fighting with us but not for us (in how we wanted Him to be for us, that is).
Journal Exceperts between July 25-Aug 12
Journal, July 25: “I guess I just don’t get God. I don’t get this life.”
Journal, July 27: “Last night, William Gray went to be with the Lord. Lord can we please have him back? Who can praise You from the grave?” Psalm 6:5 Who can praise You from the grave?
“Worldly speaking, God seems a bit unjust, cruel, and that He let us down. I’m sure those things aren’t true and that Will has the most beautiful of perspectives but wow, is this hard. And how is this fair to Angie? And, oh the thousands he was reaching. The music he was writing. The love that he offered the world. We love you Will. I love you Will. I will miss you forever.”
Journal, July 29: “There is a hole in my heart, in our hearts, in my family. And devastation to the core in Angie. I don’t think I get it – at all. We put our complete hope and trust in God and it feels like He let us down. Where was He? Is He trying to make us understand that life on earth is miserable? – it’s working.” …. “Where was He? Why did He, how did He not come through for us? We prayed, fasted, anointed, elders, healing teams, tongues, etc. – What did You want from us?” God was conspicuously silent. The whole time. We don’t understand. When we needed Him the most – He didn’t show. He showed for Lazarus (Mary & Martha), he showed for Elijah… (we are men just like Elijah – so the Bible says).” James 5:17 Elijah was a man just like us. “Dorcas was raised because of her good deeds and love and she was like 60. And not Will?! Known for his good deeds and love, married and 33? I don’t understand.” “Ask and you will receive – what?” “You have not because you asked not” – we asked. “What did You want from us? You had 10 months of us praying, crying, fasting, sacrificing – us as in an army of people – Did You ignore us? Did You really hear our prayers? Did You respond at all? Do You care about Angie? What is Your plan for her? Did You consider her when You took Will? And I understand there is nothing required of God. But could He not give us a peace. Or yell at us like Job, “How dare You question Me?!” Something please…… just silence. Help me out – what am I missing here? I thought You were God. I thought You were all-powerful. I would lay my life down for You. And yet, You can do anything and chose us not only to suffer but to be without. I believe in You. I believe You are God. I believe You are powerful. I believe you love us. I just don’t understand. Help us God. Help us understand. This is terrible.”
Journal, July 31: “Hello God!! Hello!!! Are You there? Are You awake? We know You are. Why do You withhold from us? Your Word says You withhold no good thing. You withheld Will. So he was bad? I don’t understand. I feel rude questioning You because I do believe – with all my heart. I just don’t understand. It feels as if You left us. As if You left us in our greatest time of need. Where are You? Please bring William back to us God, please. Not only for him, but to show You God. Show us who You are. You are.
Journal, August 1: I’m still not sure what to do with God. I believe in Him and believe He knows what He’s doing – but its gonna be hard to cry out to Him, to love and receive love, to trust He will respond or react to my prayer. God, I love You. I don’t understand why it seems as if You’ve let us down. It doesn’t make sense and we miss Will so much.”
Journal, August 12: “I’m not sure what to say. We just love and miss Will so much. And I’m still not sure how to process God in this. When the prophets of Baal called on their gods and there was silence – yeah, that’s how we feel. But that doesn’t make sense. We are serving You, the Almighty and Awesome and Powerful God. Right? Aren’t we? I hope so. I really hope so. But it seems our prayers fell on deaf ears and now we are without the one we love and care for the most.”
August 12- present: blank
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I do pray and hope that we, #goteamgray, and all those who loved Will so much come away eventually with a much deeper and richer faith.
I want to believe life is worth living.
And that is one thing Will did. He lived. He lived well. (Most importantly loving his Lord, his wife and so many others but also creatively and artisticly speaking, he left a legacy as well – … he produced a movie, Broke*,
and performed music in a way that touched the hardest and the softest soul (Hush), (Pressure Man), and my favorite – Top of the World…
I’ve got to believe there is something bigger “behind the curtain” that I simply can’t see right now.
I’m not down on God or His Word. I still believe His Word to be true. But I have been left in a great mystery. My argument isn’t against God – my argument, if I were to have one is that life is real. And life is difficult. And life often, doesn’t make much sense.
I take hope in John the Baptist. Someone who Jesus knew intimately, but failed to rescue. John even questioned if Jesus was really the Messiah (Matthew 11:2-4) when things got difficult for him, even though he had baptized Jesus (John 3:13-15).
I’m not sure why God often seems so silent. I don’t believe He is. I believe He is always speaking through nature (Romans 1:18-20), through people, through His Word. I do believe that according to Luke 12:7 “the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” I do believe that but it makes now really confusing… so You loving and caring for each of our hairs means 10 months of torture for Will and then the loss of our beloved. That’s a weird way to care for and love us.
And that’s where we’re getting. I still believe God does love and care for us. And I believe Will knows that more now than all of us. But in Will’s words (Video – 2:54) while suffering, “I believe that God loves me. Umm, I think He has a strange way of showing it. But I don’t come to it with a sense of entitlement.”
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As someone rightly stated to Angie, “Our experiences change how we view things. And your whole life (how you view it) is completely changed forever.”
I’ve traveled around the world sharing the Gospel, sharing hope, teaching the Word of God to those who have been abused, raped, tortured, left to die, unwanted.
How quick we are to toss out words we have yet to understand. How quick I have been to toss out words I have not understood.
I’m starting to understand. If just a bit. The hurt. The pain. The reality that most people endure in this life and that I have been so immune from.
I have offered some prayers while writing this. I in no way want to be condescending towards the Father. It is confusing. It does hurt. It doesn’t make sense. But the whole nature of God’s Kingdom is flipped upside down. Jesus, as King, entering Jerusalem humbly on a donkey (Matthew 21:7-9). The King being betrayed by His own people. Crucified, on a cross. Taking the sins of a people who turned their backs on Him upon Himself.
That’s upside down. And Will’s story is upside down too. The silence of God is one of the hardest, if not the hardest part but my hope is that there is a greater plan. Maybe He wasn’t ignoring us when we laid Will at His feet. Maybe Will was a chosen one.
Quite possibly the greatest and most gifted talent (musically) of his generation, and yet, virtually undiscovered. A more gracious, loving, compassionate human being than anyone I’ve ever met – and dead at 33. A true influencer of influencers, shaping culture, and building relationships with people you and I never could – taken off the earth in a flash, with what seems – work undone.
There are thousands of layers of “I don’t get it.” Thousands of layers of hurt. And thousands of layers of, “We just miss and love him so much.”
I wish I could put on a happy face, enjoy life again, trust in the Lord’s goodness… but right now I can’t. I hope one day again I can listen to praise music. I hope one day again to listen to a sermon without rolling my eyes.
It’s the not understanding that makes it so hard. Losing mom or dad would have been hard but I would have been grateful for the lives they lived. Seeing your sister lose her husband, her love, her best friend, her everything… that’s a lot harder. God’s silence, that makes it even more difficult. And confusing. A God who seems by His Word, to be all about relationships and caring, … and then in real life, when you need Him the most, He seems absent. That’s hard. That changes everything. And that’s what we are wrestling with. I want to believe He does care, and I do. But something’s amiss right now. I begin to pray as always for wisdom in certain situations and relationships and life and then as I begin to pray… I hesitate… and I think “If God couldn’t answer the biggest prayer I could pray, why would He care to answer now. And I don’t even want Him to answer if I do pray because then it’s like, “Really, You’re gonna answer this one?!! …and then I usually stop praying.
God as a Father. As a lover. A relationship with Him – I get all of that. I get it. I’ve experienced it. I desire that. I’ve noticed how often my default is God – every time something good happens I want to thank Him. Anytime something bad happens, I want to come to Him. And yet, now I cringe either way. I hate that.
I am glad that He spared Paul sorrow upon sorrow (Philippians 2:27) but He has heaped sorrow upon sorrow upon us. And it is too much to bear. We have been crushed.
“God will never give you more than you can handle.” How true it is… not. And we, our family, those who love Will, and mostly Angie have been crushed. Our very hearts have been ripped out of us. We are all at a loss of where life goes from here – it is all too much for us to handle. Positive, uplifting clichés are out – reality is in. Our hearts have been crushed. Our view of God has been crushed. Angie’s life and home have been crushed. We could pray for joy but we don’t want joy. Somehow feeling miserable feels better. Some friends abandon you, not because they don’t care or love you but because they don’t know how to be around you. Others give you advice when advice is the last thing you desire. It’s a process that literally is a bit&^ and it really sucks.
For Angie’s great faith (Hebrews 11:6), believing God for the impossible, she has received the loss of their child (through miscarriage), an early death of her husband, the loss of her community and church as well as her job. Sometimes God’s upside down kingdom is seriously hard to understand.
Angie gave me a perspective on a passage that I had never seen. In the book of Job, personally, I have always looked down on Job’s wife for her words to Job, “Curse God and die” (Job 2:9). But Angie said, “I understand. I understand where she is coming from. We forget that she also lost her children. She was losing her husband.” It’s always easy to look at the one cursing God rather than looking at their story. As Will shared, “I love stories. There’s always character growth. One moment to the next, people are evolving. They’re changing. They’re growing. So I would say, just wait. Be patient. Because your story, (tears), your story can change (tears), just the way mine has, just the way Angie’s has. It can change. Just wait.” Knowing someone’s story changes everything, literally.
Life on this earth is terribly unfair. I’d venture to say there are many more questions than answers. And we need each other. We need to live inside of each other’s stories as best as we can. Maybe the silence of God, is actually the voice of you and me.
Jesus told His disciples to eat His flesh and drink His blood (John 6:55). That was pretty confusing and still is today. But there is a principle in there too. John 6:60 On hearing it many of His disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”
I don’t really know how to process this or what to do next. I don’t think anyone in my family or #goteamgray knows how to. The processing will continue for a lifetime. And I hope God will speak to us at some point. It’s a hard teaching that none of want to accept and that none of understand.
But our response is the same as the disciples on the day so many left because they couldn’t grasp or get their minds around what Jesus was saying.
John 6:68-69 “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”
Update: It’s been about a month since I wrote this. I can’t say a lot has changed. My feelings are about the same. My soul has grown a bit softer. I wish my heart was at peace. I wish more than anything that my sister was well. But the intensity of the situation doesn’t wane in only weeks or months. 3 things I would add since writing:
1 – I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me… alone. I was not anticipating this at all. I used to love things like this. I would pray, worship, and listen to sermons and have a beautiful time. I wanted to do none of that and yet I didn’t want to waste 5 hours. So I figured it would be a great time to try and pray again. So I turned off my radio. I sat quietly and thanked God for my family. I thanked Him for my parents. And I thanked him for my sisters. And then I started crying and prayer time was over. Sometime, someday, I will try again.
2 – I’ve begun to struggle semi-severely with anxiety. Heart racing, veins pumping. Trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. Trouble eating at times and not burying myself in a worried mess or distracting myself with idleness. I think I used to simply go straight to Scripture whenever a struggle came up and I would meditate that Scripture into my life. I’m not at a place I can do that right now so its more about just doing things on my own and that creates such anxiety in my heart and mind. I plan on seeking counseling which has been recommended to me several times over the last couple of months.
3 – One thing I have seen throughout the last year is the Body of Christ. A major theme of the last year has been God’s silence. But has He truly been silent? Or has He been shouting His love through His people? Because His people (you) have been loving so well and just as intensely. God definitely provided such a beautiful community around Will and Angie and people to love and support every step of the way, wherever there location was. And even now, He has provided me with such incredible people who listen to me pour out my heart, and questions, and thoughts and simply wrap me in love. The Imago Dei (image of God), has no doubt been seen countless times over in the most recent season of life, and in that is hope.
I haven’t written for awhile because sometimes in life, nothing else matters.
I’ve written a couple of times about my sister and brother-in-law (Valentine’s Lovers) (Real Life Superheroes) and although it’s been a reality this whole time, you never expect it to come to this – desperate, literally, desperate for a miracle. Will was given 1-3 weeks to live but he’s made it 6 weeks now. Each day he is with us is a miracle and we pray for many more.
I have continued to be amazed by watching Will and Angie (Pray for Will & Angie – incredible video). There is something so powerful about two people who love each other. Like, really really love. Like, not the movie-type or what you read in novels or what maybe you have when everything’s clicking and she’s cute and he’s hot and… no, not like that but like love. Like in sickness and in health. Like for better and for worse. Like for richer and for poorer. Like when part of one’s face is removed and their frame has gone frail and they can’t get out of bed. Like when someone has cancer throughout their body and can’t eat and can barely speak or stay awake. Like when one has lost their hair and is in constant pain. From this day forward till death do us part. Yeah, that kind. …and what is so special about this love is that it is not love because “we made a vow.” It’s love because, in Angie’s words, “I just love him so much.” In one of her blogs (Living Each Day), she writes,“ Can I go to sleep, or should I stay up to watch him? Will he wake up in the morning? And every morning, from the moment my eyes open, I hold my breath until I see him take one.” To see one sacrifice her own life, to lay it down not just in words but in sleeping next to him for 5 months whether that be in a small hospital bed, on the corner of his bed at home, in an L shape or U shape at his feet– wherever she fits. “I just want to be close to him if anything happens.”
You know, those kind of vows. The kind of love people give up on when things get tough. That kind of love. The kind that isn’t in movies or in a book because it simply can’t be manufactured. It’s powerful. It’s beautiful.
I’ve never seen someone endure the kind of pain that Will endures each day. Cancer in the lungs. A tumor on his spine. Cancer in his bones. Cancer in his pelvis. Cancer in his lymphs. Tumor on his sternum. G-tube in his stomach. Eye removed. Part of jaw removed. Discolored skin. Hopeful to get out of bed once a day. Albeit in pain and with 3 people helping him to stand so he can get his bed sores cleaned. And so much more that we simply don’t know because he can’t express it and we can’t see it.
And yet, not once have I heard a stern word towards Angie. Not once have I heard him complain. Not once have I heard him make any demands. Because he doesn’t find his love in comforts but in being comforted by the one he loves.
I know that I want that same love. I want to love a girl like Will loves Angie and be loved like Angie loves Will. But I also know that this takes time, oh yes, it took them lots of time to get here. Lots of time, lots of moments. Moments that almost broke their marriage, times when they didn’t know they would make it…or if they wanted to make it. It’s an honest and true love. Not one that has been dependent on emotions but one that has faced emotions and the not richer, but poorer, and a little health but much sickness, and some better but a lot of worse and here they are. Loving each other in a way that seems unfathomable. A way that doesn’t make sense. Yet, is what we all yearn for.
They weren’t always in love. They didn’t always know they would be together. One would chase one while one wasn’t sure. Then they would exchange roles. With the other chasing and the other not sure. It was that kind of love. Not a fairytale. Simply love.
I’ve read what love is before but I think I’ve learned what love really is through witnessing Will and Angie’s towards each other.
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices in the truth. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It always perseveres.
Valentines has passed, yes. But thoughts start to accumulate on that day. And I thought it was worth a post. Yes, I may be 30 and unmarried but I’ve always enjoyed this day. Since college, I would usually try to find a wonderful lady and take her out and treat her special so she could have a special day. I’ve always thought it was a great day for a low-pressure date. You could take someone out, be really nice to them and not necessarily have a bunch of expectations attached. One time in college after one of these, a group of guys from my dorm decided to celebrate a bunch of ladies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLPq7nKyI_4) yep, 3:08, I guess I do like to celebrate this holiday.
Sometimes girls get in big groups on Valentine’s Day to celebrate… or comizerize together. To talk about boys or maybe just to act as if boys do not exist.
Inevitably, the party is planned, the girls are ready for the evening and 1 girl from the group gets asked out by a boy and she has to decide – “Do I say ‘yes’ and admit that boys do exist or do I say ‘no’ and join the ladies for some forgettable revelry?”
I hear girls, quite often, talk about guys not asking them out. Not true. In fact, talk to guys and you will find out in fact, how often guys are getting rejected. Boom! When a girl says, “Guys aren’t asking me out,” what she often means is, “the guy I want to ask me out is not asking me out.” And for the guy… well, maybe he is just asking the wrong girls out.
I think its cool when a girl makes herself available for guys to ask her out. It makes it simpler. It gives the guy some confidence.
I also think its cool when a girl does wait for that guy and turns the others down along the way.
Just be you I guess.
That’s why it really is ok if Girl A chooses to stick with her lady crew for the evening or if she goes the other way and decides to go out with the boy. But what she has to do is to be her. Don’t hang out with the ladies talking about how a cute guy asked you out and you said ‘no’ to hold your “commitment” to the girls and that you were willing to make that “sacrifice” even though the boy was soooooooo cute…– no, no, no.
I liked Valentine’s Day in elementary school. Lots of candy and lots of nice notes from classmates. Everybody got to like everybody and you got to find out who really really liked you. While you might give one girl a card that says, “You’re Cool or Be Good,” you could give another girl a card that said, “Be Mine or Hot Stuf.” The implications were obvious and somehow, not creepy.
As I stated earlier, I was always down with the program of taking someone out on Valentine’s Day. But I always knew I’d have to get through the inevitable circle of girls to get through. It’s a tricky navigation but with the correct gps, there is a way through. It was nice to treat a girl special, give her a cheesey card from days of old, and say nice things with the understanding that it was a unique day and that’s what it was, just a fun day. No further expectation needed.
I liked that. I wish people could still date like that.
But I’m pretty sure we can’t. Because after we do, we enter back into our awesome communities where agendas, feelings and jealousy live (oh my!… more on awesome communities next week!).
Valentine’s Day. What an interesting holiday. So many options. Come to think of it, I think single people are doing a lot more on this holiday than marrieds and single people are getting all worked up over it. You hear of some marrieds doing something special and some treating it as another day. Well, little Susie must decide whether to go out with Billy, her 14 lady friends, or the co-male/female ‘family’ dinner that night. Don’t make it too difficult, just be you and do what you want to do. Good luck Susie.
“I know the Bible says to not awaken love until the time is right… awaken my Love, the time is now.”
The girl rolled over from the mini-couch, her first 4 hours of sleep in 3 days and with glazed eyes and a raspy voice responds, “huh.”
“I know the Bible says to not awaken love until the time is right… awaken my Love, the time is now.”
Rubbing the crusties out of her eyes, she responds with a throaty, “huh.”
“I know the Bible says to not awaken love until the time is right… awaken my love, the time is now.”
That is the scene I was standing in at about 5am Valentine’s morning. The “time is now” meant, time to clear the others out of the room and let love do what it does. Love is there when one is fighting cancer, going through chemo and radiation simultaneously. Love dresses wounds (and bodies), it comforts pain, it helps one use the restroom, and it lays down its life for another. And that’s the clean version.
You may have read about these Superheroes in a previous post.
Well, they are back at it. Or still at I should say. Phrases such as, “Let’s take our benadryl’s together like Romeo and Juliet” reverberate the room in the moments of awareness. Love stays awake through the night (again) with her reasoning of, “I was concerned you would choke on your secretions.”
The male Lover gets his mind stuck on meatloaf. No, Meatloaf. He speaks aloud, “What Meatloaf won’t do for love?…… That. Hahahahahah.” “I’m making that T-shirt.” “What Meatloaf won’t do for love? …. That.” …… He continues with his bride sitting next to him, ”Why isn’t anyone else finding out what Meatloaf won’t do for love?! …Well, I searched the globe to see what Meatlof would not do. And he’s not the man I am, because I would do that.”
“I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
And when someone truly loves, they love. It’s not just a love for a special someone. It’s love for people – because everyone is special. It’s a heart that overflows in love. The male Lover continues amidst a stupor caused by various mixed drugs and asks a question, “The woman next door screaming nonstop through the night – is she going crazy or is she in pain? I would like to know how to pray for her.”
A true love between a man and woman can be beautiful and rare while a true love between man and stranger might be all the more rare.
Dating is one of those things that isn’t really mentioned in the Bible but that EVREYONE has an opinion about. It’s amazing to me how much advice gets tossed around and how often people are told how to date. …when in fact, no one knows anything about dating. I don’t write this because I am of the 1% who does know but because I am of the 100% who messes everything up.
Now some would argue, “hey, I dated the same girl since I was 17 and then we got married without every making any mistakes.” And I would respond, “Congratulations. That’s great and it also disqualifies you from offering any actual advice on dating, breakups, and relationships.”
I know that may seam harsh, but it’s true. Those who dated 1 person and married that 1 person by and large live in a fantasy world of what the struggles of dating actually look like for the rest of us.
I am blessed to be a part of an amazing community of about 50 people who are in their 20’s and 30’s and mostly single. We love each other, pray for one another, and serve each other.
And occasionally, we date each other (enter fireworks and explosives)… (enter more fireworks. more explosives.)
And when we do, THAT. CHANGES. EVERYTHING.
Not just for one person, or even for two people. But for all 50.
And even wilder, take dating out of the equation… if one person simply happens to like another person …and someone else happens to like that person too – yes, THAT. CHANGES. EVERYTHING. Not just for 1, 2, or 3, but for all of us. Even if one person likes one person who doesn’t like them back. Yep, changes everything too. It’s crazy.
People in our demographic get told how to date a lot. By people who have never been part of our demographic. They, those who know who to date really well, they tell us we need to ask more people out and that we need to spend more time alone with guys/girls and not in such big groups and a lot of other things like that.
What most of the experts don’t understand is the ripple effects of doing just that. There’s no taking a girl to coffee and moving on. No, its taking a girl to coffee and then everyone choosing sides, hearts are getting broken, and group dynamics have changed. (I’m not saying it should be like this, but it just is)
This group of 50 has actually had about 300 different people at any given time in the last couple years. But then someone dated someone, and half the group had to leave because they didn’t “approve.” Then another half of the group had to leave because they liked that guy/girl too. And then finally, if it didn’t work out, another half had to leave to support the one that the ‘jerk’ called it off with. Even if it was just one date. And then 25 new people come in to fill their spots.
Sorry, I can’t make this stuff up. I am part of this demographic. Is it crazy? Yes, absolutely. But it’s just how it is.
NOW… this may not seem like its headed nowhere but hold on, it is… Some people get upset with people in our demographic for this happening. They say guys/girls get too invested with each other after a date (or before a date!), they say we are dating the wrong people, they say that we just don’t know what we are doing. And the ‘they’ are often the experts within our own demographic as well. Experts are everywhere.
But the truth is – we are real people with real emotions and real feelings. And unfortunately, often, when those are involved… it does change everything. And that’s not bad, that’s real. I wish it was different. It hurts to see people have their feelings hurt. It hurts to see one person in a close group hurt another (almost always unintentionally). And it hurts to see what we inevitably put each other through. But that is inevitably part of the dating process whether it should be or not. Can we ease those strains? Yes, a bit. But likely, this cycle will continue. Why? Well, the answer is the title.
Do I have a point to this blog yet? Sure…
Everyone sucks at dating. No one has the right answers. So rather than telling someone how and what they should be doing, simply: Listen and Show Compassion.
That’s it. We are all messing up royally. And no one’s advice has ever worked for us. So you might as well just support each other and help each other pick up the pieces along the way. I don’t think people need more answers. I think another shoulder (to lean on) will do just fine.
I remember dating a girl when I was in 5th grade. We dated for a bit and then broke up. Some time later, I wished to be with her again. I remember lying on my bed one night and praying deep and honest prayers that God would bring us back together.
He didn’t.
And I was disappointed.
18 years later, I can be glad He didn’t answer that one. Actually probably within a couple of weeks I was fine. But the point is, that often what we want or think we want isn’t what we “really” want. Not only is God the only one who knows what we need, He is also the only one who know what we truly want, how fascinating.
By high school, I didn’t date too much and didn’t care too much either. I was caught up in other areas of life that filled me – youth group, friends, sports. Life was good.
Around college time, sometimes you feel like maybe it’s time to consider what marriage might be. And once again I would pray. And be left unanswered. Eventually I think I stopped praying all together. Not on purpose, I just didn’t think about it anymore. I just really didn’t mind being single. I mean, there were/are times where you wish you weren’t alone but when I look at my life I ponder what may have or might have been, I’m left………
Grateful.
Grateful that God didn’t answer those prayers. Grateful that God had a plan all the way. Grateful that in His timing, all things come together for the good. And that is pretty exciting.
We spend a lot of time looking for the “right person.” Hoping to find “the one.” Moving from relationship to relationship until it “feels” right.
And this isn’t all wrong…. But…. What if there is not a “right person?” As in how we view the right person. We often feel that if we marry the right person, if we find the one, then we win. We will therefor live happily ever after because we found them!
Everything in culture says that if you find the right person, then everything will be alright.
But….
When you open the Scriptures, you find very little about finding the “right person” but a lot about who we should become.
I think finding the right person and having a connection and chemistry is important. But we often allow chemistry and connection to cause us to overlook character flaws. I can be in the “best” relationship possible with the “right” girl and the best chemistry, but if I have trouble with keeping commitments, honoring girls, or another character flaw – regardless of how great the relationship is, it is inevitably doomed.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate stands around 50% inside and outside of the church despite people finding the right chemistry, the right connection, and the right person.
This is because…
The important thing isn’t finding the right person but becoming the kind of person who can keep a commitment.
As we make daily choices in who we are becoming and how we are treating men and women inside and outside of relationships, the most important thing is to honor those relationships whether they are at a friendship, dating, or any other level. And then we will become young men and ladies who are able to keep a commitment and honor another not because we made a promise (that half of us break) but because we have developed ourselves into people of honor and character who truly are able to love for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.
(Regards to Andy Stanley again who encouraged these thoughts)
I was listening to a podcast by Andy Stanley the other week about choices.
One statement he shared that stood out the most was, “Pay Attention to the Tension.”
He talked about how sometimes we need to take the time to pause…. And ask ourselves questions…. About what we are really thinking, and feeling… and why we are doing what we are doing.
I thought this was incredibly applicable to relationships. He was speaking on choices. And relationships are choices. So yes, I’d say it is applicable.
There are two extremes we can make with tension. One is to bail. One is to suppress. I have erred on both sides before.
The answer to the problem is simple but not always what we would want. It’s to simply let the tension grow. And grow. And grow. Allow it to grow as big as its gonna be before making your decision.
Sometimes our tension comes from fear and we need to ask ourselves questions and line up what we are feeling with what God’s Word says. Sometimes our tension comes from our consciences telling us something is amiss and in that case we should take the same approach of asking ourselves questions and lining up what we feel with what God’s Word says.
Is there a tension that needs my attention? If there’s a tension, pause ……….. …… …., refuse to suppress or ignore it.
You know those awkward pauses when you are talking to someone? Yes, try one of those on yourself. Make it really awkward. Look deeply into yourself. Why are you in this relationship? Why are you staying in it? Why are you trying to get out? What are you looking for? Why are you looking for that? Where are you headed physically? Why are you headed there?
Ask yourself questions. And listen. And when there’s a tension….
Pay attention to the tension, don’t try to hide it.
I’ve been in the relationship that didn’t feel right but I didn’t want it to end so I stayed there. I buried the tension. I didn’t listen to it. And eventually I was forced to make a decision I should have made sooner. I’ve been in a relationship where the physical aspect began to enter and I felt a tension and I had to tell the girl immediately about the tension or I risked burying the tension and doing whatever I wanted.
Guys, if you are leading a relationship, and you are not comfortable in it. It’s ok to ask yourself honest questions and to pay attention to the tension. Guys, when you are leading a relationship and you are going somewhere physically and you feel a tension, it is not only right, but you better, pause, and listen to the tension.
Gals, when you are in a relationship, and you are not sure if it is what God has for you, it is ok to listen to the tension and seek wise counsel. Gals, when a guy is leading you somewhere physically, and you are not comfortable with it, please, listen to that tension.
The tension doesn’t always mean there is something wrong. Sometimes our feelings can deceive us. But sometimes that tension might be giving us a clue as well. That is why we must pause …….. awkwardly pause……. And ask ourselves questions. Read God’s Word. And seek wise counsel.
The tension is there to make us better. Tension causes us to search and seek for what is right and what is best. That’s why it is best for us to listen to it and let it grow. Sometimes we like to stuff that tension and uneasiness down so we don’t hear it and we simply go on doing what we want to do. And eventually as we suppress it, it will come out in other ways and will eventually deaden your souls… If we are suppressing what we truly feel and aren’t being honest with ourselves and the choices we are making, our souls won’t be able to breathe.
So if you feel a tension, listen to it and let it grow. And if it keeps grows… keep listening.
But there is something else that is almost just as difficult.
That is simply calling the girl in the first place.
I remember the first time I called a girl. It was in 5th grade. She was my first girlfriend. I thought I should call her because that’s what a boyfriend should do. I also never talked to her at school because I thought that was what I should do too. So I flirted with her friends during the day and then called her once a month.
I would wait till I was home alone and I would go into my parent’s room where they had a phone with buttons. The one in the kitchen was a rotary (you may or may not know what that is). I would dial about 4 of the 7 numbers and then freeze. I’d get to 5 numbers and hold until the dial-tone started beeping. I would sit on their bed wondering what I would say. And then I would do it. I would dial all 7 numbers, let it ring once, and hang up.
I’m 30 years old now and not a lot has changed.
I decide I am interested in getting to know a girl. You know, after doing the group thing, the text thing, I figure I should probably call her.
This is where the nerves kick in.
I start debating it in my mind for maybe a week or two if I should make the call. I mean, it changes everything. At least in my mind. And this debate is usually a good thing because soon I can’t debate it much longer or I will go crazy so I decide I must call.
Often a good day to make the call is on a Saturday. That gives me a whole day. I spend the morning pacing outside my apartment complex with the phone in hand. I try to call but it’s too hard. I pace back and forth until I have somewhere to be. And then I send a text. I’ll try again later.
Later in the day, I get ready again. I grab my phone.
I rehearse both scenarios. What will I say if she answers? What will I say if it’s her voicemail?
I rehearse and I rehearse and I rehearse. I start to dial. Then I stop. I pull her name up on my phone but don’t press. The screen goes black a minute later as I just hold the phone and look at her name. I walk to my room. I lay down. I text a friend, “pray for me.” I start to dial again. Can’t do it. I wonder, ‘are these just nerves or is this God saying “no.”’ I figure its probably me just being lame.
I rehearse again. I pray. I dial.
So next time I call, you don’t have to say yes or no. Just say “thank you, I know what you’ve been through.”
Hey readers! Remember that time in the Bible when the Apostle Paul said that thing about being single? I (McCoy) do:
“But this I say by way of concession, not of command. Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.” 1 Corinthians 7:6-8
Last weekend at this wonderful establishment called Shari’s, one of the best dudes I know, Marky Pyatt, and I were chewing on this verse, as well as the lives of Paul, Jesus and those twelve dudes He hung around. It had started with that typical question:
Me: So, any girls out there you got your little eye on?
Mark: Actually, yeah.
Me: WHAT…really?
Mark: Nah. You?
Me: Nah.
We’ve had this thrilling conversation many times in the two entire decades that I have known him, and it usually starts and ends in the same manner above. But the difference this time around was that Mark and I were actually quite warm to our present statuses. The freedom experienced through singleness is not lost on us.
The following conversation is by no means verbatim, but it captures the general theme of what we talked about.
Mark: Ya know, wasn’t Jesus single?
Me: I heard that. Dan Brown would argue otherwise…but go on.
Mark: …wasn’t Paul single too?
Me: Apparently so, at least when he wrote to the Corinthians. And if he was married, I bet she was super pissed about his travel schedule…and the fact he didn’t acknowledge her existence in this letter.
Mark: Well we’ve been talking a ton in our dude’s group about being more and more like Jesus, which is something we’ve all agreed we passionately want in our lives…
Mark continues and I’m desperately searching for a scripture to take out of context right now to stop that train of thought in its tracks.
Mark: …and don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of finding someone to do life with, to love, to have kids with someday but Jesus didn’t really seem to have that in His priorities when He gave the Great Commission. No, He said to go and make disciples.
Me: And he didn’t really mention making sure to get married first, to have a helpmate, a partner, or whatever, who is going to make your assignment of making disciples easier.
Mark: No. I think they just went out.
Me: Well dude I’m tracking along with you here. I don’t think either one of us is saying we should sign our lives away on the dotted line of chastity and singlehood this moment, but that if Paul says it is a good gift then I don’t want to invalidate that gift too quickly.
Mark: And I don’t want to feel entitled to something that was never promised to me. Let’s say we knew we were going to be single for the rest of our lives, and God told us this in a Christmas wreath that was burning but not being consumed, then wouldn’t we be more adventurous with our faith, take more risks and through it all be more focused and committed to the Lord? After all, the disciples and the apostles were pretty productive bachelors.
Me: Mother Theresa took some risks and was quite the little bachelorette as well. It’s almost like there is a huge conflict of interest when on one hand you’re married, but on the other you are fully devoted to the Lord. I think you can probably do both, or at least I’ve been told, but aren’t we in an advantageous position RIGHT NOW?
Mark: Hmmmm…
Me: Maybe we have the “gift” of singleness. I mean we’re still chugging along as singles doing life, and I think we’re getting pretty good at it. Besides, if you don’t have the “gift” of singleness does that mean by default you have the “gift” of togetherness or marriage?
Mark: Maybe not…I’ve seen a lot of bad marriages.
Me: Ditto…sounds like a conversation for another day
I was 17 years old and on the search for a college. My first official visit – Union University in Jackson, Tennessee. Both of my sisters went or were attending there so I decided to visit as well. There was a talent show that night at the school and I heard that a really cool band was playing. Turns out they were more than cool, they were the most amazing crew I had ever heard and instantly were my favorite band. One of the guys was tall, played basketball, was the epitome of cool and could beatbox and rap like none other – I told my sister Angie I wanted to meet him so we could be friends. She said she couldn’t introduce me because she didn’t know him. I told her to do so anyways. She refused.
12 years later, that guy is one of my best friends. And not only that, he’s my brother-in-law. Will and Angie started dating a year after my failed attempt at being his friend. I looked up to Will. He was a role model, a best friend, and a mentor, wrapped up into one person.
Me and my other sister Kelli would get together and figure out how we were going to secure Will as part of our family. Obviously, we wanted him to marry our sister but we said regardless, we are finding a way for him to be our brother.
A couple of years later, he was our brother. And the 3 of us siblings became 4. We live in 3 corners of the states (Oregon, LA, and DC) but we see each other as much as we can. We aren’t only family. We are best friends.
Angie and Will’s 8th anniversary is next week on November 27th. Their marriage is one to admire. One of extreme faithfulness, commitment, support, and encouragement through incredible highs and lows. Not only do I love being around them, I learn what a marriage should look like. I ask Will questions and he answers with wisdom, grace, openness, and experience.
Sometimes, after getting to know someone, the admiration can wear off, the holding someone in high esteem can fade. But to me, Will hasn’t become less of a role model, he’s become a superhero. He has his flaws, sure, but if you knew him, I think you’d agree.
Last year at this time, I was in LA to celebrate Thanksgiving with Will and Angie. Today, I am in LA to see Will and Angie as well. Unfortunately it’s not under the circumstances I would want. Will is fighting an aggressive cancer and next week on November 27th, he will be having surgery to remove a rapidly growing tumor. I thought I would be visiting to spend time with, encourage, talk, and play games with Will and Angie but instead I have come to watch Will live in excruciating pain, observe him as he sits and sleeps in the same chair for 24 hours, and watch my sister cry unanswered prayers as we wonder what the purpose of this is and what the outcome will be.
It’s not a beautiful thing to witness. But sometimes true beauty can only be seen through the lens of pain. And the faithfulness, support, encouragement, and undying, self-sacrificing love given by spouse to spouse is something so very painfully beautiful.
We search for a lot of things in a spouse. A lot of things that come and go. But in the end, in the times things are difficult, the thing each of us will want most is someone who is still next to them.
I was reading in the Message Bible yesterday and was struck by one of the Introduction sections. I read it several times before I finally understood it.
It said, “The life of faith has to do with the glories of discovering far more in life than we ever dreamed of; the life of faith has to do with doggedly putting one flat foot in front of the other, wondering what the point of it all is.”
It made so much sense. And it applies to all of life. The polarities of faith and of the highs and lows of life are quite evident and often leave us at a loss. Why did I do that and feel awesome and then do it again and feel awful? Last time I went through that experience, it was one of the best times of my life, and this time when I went through it, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. There are unexplained polarities in our lives.
And these polarities exist in our relationships with one another as well.
When walking out a life of faith, we may experience a mountaintop experience with God. Sometimes, I think we feel that when we have that kind of experience, then we must be doing something wrong if we aren’t always feeling that way. We feel that is the way it should always be. But that simply isn’t the reality of the human experience. The reality of the human experience is that a good chunk of it will simply be mundane, everyday life.
And that is what exists in a relationship too.
Oftentimes people will bounce from one relationship to another, one roommate to another, one marriage to another because… they had an experience that was really good, they had a great “feeling” but then the mundane realities of everyday life set in and it didn’t seem “right” or good anymore. Because rather than basing that relationship on the everyday part of life, we often use the mountaintop experience as the measuring point.
To speak to boy/girl relationships specifically, I think this is a grand reason why relationships fail and why relationships aren’t happening.
To be in a relationship is to be in the “mundane” per se. I know that’s not an exciting word but the commonplace is where the day-to-day realities of a relationship exists. Out of a relationship, the possibilities of boys and girls are endless and one can do and live how they please per se. Within a relationship, one simply walks out life with that person under a commitment to each other.
And I think many singles have a tendency in preferring the unknown because we can make up our own fantasy world rather than living in the beauty of reality. So when one enters a relationship, and the feelings go away, they look for another relationship where those feelings exist.
I think we are often looking for someone that we have great “feelings” for and we expect those feelings to linger forever. But they don’t. (I’m not saying they won’t be there to the end but there are inevitable ebbs and flows and at some points in a relationship/marriage, you simply have to choose).
So we go from relationship to relationship hoping for the feeling to last. And God forbid that feeling lead to a marriage and then go away. This is why the Bible is so adamant on a marriage being equally yoked (of the same faith) and one where character is highly exalted and charm is found deceptive. Because it knows the hollowness of a feeling and when that runs out or has a lull, what you are left with is reality.
The Message Introduction goes on to say about this, “Neither cancels out the other; neither takes precedence over the other. We become convinced that God blessed the best that human experience is capable of as we read in the Song of Solomon and we recognize the limits inherent in the human experience as we read through Ecclesiastes.”
The joy and pleasure of a marriage will undoubtedly be a mountaintop experience and the realities of a marriage will undoubtedly be everyday living. Neither cancels out the other; neither takes precedence over the other. God has blessed them both. And it is up to us to find the joy in both.
Because when the feelings run out… when the mountain top is over… you are going to want to be with someone who is AWESOME and not someone who you had an awesome experience with.
As a wise Rockey and Peggy Sagers told their young son Dan, “You want to find someone who you really enjoy being around in all situations, because much of marriage is about simply being together during day-to-day life.”
“Being a single Christian guy, there is nothing redeeming about the nightlife. I never lay in bed and think ‘this is awesome, goodnight me’.” – McCoy Doerrie
I’ve been asked, “Do you even ask out girls or do you just write this stuff?” In fact, I do ask. Not a lot. But when I really like a girl, absolutely, I can’t not ask. Some people freeze when asking out a girl. I freeze until I ask a girl out. Once I decide I like a girl, I get this pit in my stomach until I ask. She doesn’t necessarily have to say yes or no but I just have to ask. If I’ve gone a couple days without eating, I know its time to go for it…
I had spent a little time with this girl but you know, in those pesky group settings. It was always nice but I was always left simply wanting to spend more time with just her. But I did not feel ready yet to make that play.
But after a few more of these run-ins… I felt more and more compelled to simply ask her out. I didn’t want to share too much of what I was thinking or feeling so I was thinking something casual. Just take her to dinner or something, try to make it chill like it’s a date but not really a date. And maybe we can get to know each other and see what happens from there.
There was a group activity one night, and yes, it was scheduled without impure motives… don’t believe everything you read about me in my blogs. She couldn’t make it but she did send me a nice text. I thought… hmm, maybe I should just call her and ask her out. In fact, I was going to call her earlier that day but I got really nervous and couldn’t do it. So I just added her to the mass text list…. LAME. But much more comforting.
So I got pumped up that night, walked the streets for a bit praying and then I did it! I dialed the number! She answered and we started having a great conversation. But all of a sudden, I realized I wasn’t just talking to her. I was talking to her roommate and another friend who were at the house. She had put me on speaker phone. I was at a loss as to what to do. We (as in all of us) continued to chat and a few times I tried to escape but the conversation carried on. Eventually, I simply said goodbye and wondered… does this girl have a clue why I called?!
But I wasn’t finished. I sent her a follow-up text letting her know the real reason I called. I told her I would like to catch up with her sometime and take her to dinner or coffee. She sounded positive but was busy the next day and out of town for awhile. I told her I would call her the next week.
Well, even better I saw her the next week. Once again, I am trying to get the courage to ask her but there are always so many people around so eventually there are only 3 of us so I decide to go for it. I ask her if she would like to go to a thing that next Thursday with me. She once again sounds somewhat positive but needs to check her schedule.
The text comes in later that night, and once again she’s busy.
I begin to wonder what “busy” means. Is this, “I’m trying to be nice, quit asking me out!” Or is it, “I’m busy, but please keep asking!”
I see her again the next week. I was thinking in my head some things I could say, some ways to phrase words and was waiting for a good time to ask. A good time didn’t seem to come our way. At the end of the evening I said goodbye while thinking in my head, “should I? should I not? Should I? should I not? Do it. Will I? Later. No. Now! When? What? Yes! You can. No! Uhhhhhhhhh….”
I said goodbye to some other people and then she was driving towards me. I contemplated the sticking my hand out to stop her to ask her…. So I stuck my hand out to stop her and as she got close I turned the stop sign into a slightly (completely) awkward wave… As to say, “Hey, I’m kind of stopping you if you want to stop but if you’d like to go on ahead, please do.” She went on ahead.
I felt not so much like I had missed my chance but that I really didn’t want to wait any longer. If I was going to spend time with this girl, I wanted to do it. Now. Why keep waiting? So…. I got fired up again. I texted the Lone Ranger to let him know what I was doing. That always puts me on the hook for following through. And then I rehearsed what I would say… pleasantries – check. corny joke – check. Nice things – check. And ask!
So I dialed and as I was getting ready to leave a message… she picked up! I said hello. I made a corny joke. I thanked her for helping me with some things. While I’m doing this – I’m wondering, “Am I really going to ask her?” “Should I hang up now?” The heart starts beating… And then I quickly muttered some things about how I liked spending time with her and wanted to more and was wondering if she would ever let me take her out sometime. Kind of like… and yes it did sound exactly like this… ilikeyouwillyouiwanttospendtimewithyouwillyouilikebeingwithyouwillyouletmetakeyououtsometime? (fingers crossed!). She replied with a, something like a yabayammmyehhmmya and then she told me, that means “yes.”
We left off last Thursday with a post from the “Lone Ranger.” He has agreed to reveal his identify if and when he marries the young maiden. Wishing for the best…
Let’s pick up the story at…
But no matter what I did, this third encounter had proven to be extremely difficult. This is where it gets beautifully bogus.
While an inside friend of mine is working a set-up with Lyla on my behalf separately, last Sunday after church I stepped out to man up and make it happen. I was on the hunt and I promise you that I had the best of intentions.
After church I knew would be the time where I would have the best chance. I prayed the Lord would make this happen…which I’m pretty sure is a legit thing to petition for. When the final worship song wrapped up I began to survey the crowd looking for her…no luck.
I thought maybe I’d have better luck if I just positioned myself in the foyer outside the sanctuary and strike up a conversation with someone whose name I didn’t know to give me cause for standing in the middle of the foyer. But as luck would have it, there would be no need for the unnamed small talker.
There she was right by the exit door. This was it. This was when I got to, as I planned it in my head, walk her to her car, say something insightful about the sermon, make her laugh, comment graciously on her shoes. It was a solid plan.
Unfortunately she was in deep conversation with some other girl and it didn’t look like it was wrapping up in the next five minutes. Could I kill time for five minutes? At the time, I could have killed time for hours if necessary. But ten minutes came…twenty minutes came and she wasn’t moving an inch. “Maybe today’s not the day” I thought and my legs, pushing against the will of my heart, took me all the way to my car.
As I turned the key I felt that I had given up today too easily, especially after all of that build up. But hope sprang out and I decided I would wait till she finally exited the church, was walking to her car and then I could drive by, roll down the window and say “hey” as well as whatever else came to mind. So I waited and waited and waited…and waited…and there she was! But, unfortunately still talking to that girl. They had to be putting a lid on it soon.
I started the car, I took my chances.
But, as I drove by, Lyla’s back was turned to me and my last chance was lost. That is, until I left the parking lot, pulled a U-ee (sp?) and drove by once again…still no luck. The final sting came when as I drove away this last time I could see in my rear view mirror Lyla finally bidding her friend farewell and getting into her car. It had the build-up of Rocky III, but without the payoff glory in the end. Also without the big Russian guy…and most of the other plot points from that movie…maybe that was a bad comparison.
I wish I could say my hopes for the day ended there. I wish I could say I didn’t drive to REI, thinking “hey she’s outdoorsy. In truth she’s more likely to go there after church than back to my neighborhood in Tigard.” So with the comparative odds in my favor, I halfheartedly went to REI. This was a slim chance. Hey God’s sovereign, people! I read a story once where God made a sea part in order for people to cross. Remember, He also brought people back to life. This quick trip’s high hopes were relatively small potatoes in the economy of the miraculous.
But still, she of course never came. As bummed out as I was, I still hold high hopes for next Sunday…and the Sunday after that if necessary. I might have to just get more creative. Not desperate, but inventive.
Wish me luck. The ends will justify the means. Or at the very least just leave me with more stories to tell.
John’s blog post from a few weeks back, appropriately titled “Honesty, it’s a Rough Policy,” encouraged me to come out and be honest as well. In this case, I can only be candid with John though, as the rest of you will have to answer to my pen name: Ranger.
Sometimes when we have the “hots” for someone, and they are not readily available to pursue in house church, coffee ministry, children’s ministry (please don’t misinterpret that), communion duty, etc., we need to create/manufacture situations or path-crossings. This shouldn’t be considered creepy. Last I checked, society seemed to have a certain admiration for “opportunists” as I prefer to call myself. In fact, I’m sure there are thousands of existing time-tested relationships that had a certain genesis in the guy being an unabashed conjurer of opportunities.
No regrets. The end will surely justify the means. In the same way you can’t judge a painting until it is completed and you cannot critique a song until the final chorus plays out, we can’t judge a guy for his tactics in pursuit of a woman. Either way, saying this to myself makes me feel better.
Let’s get to the story:
My mom feels as though her chance to have grandkids rests entirely on my shoulders. This doesn’t induce any undue pressure in me really. I actually find it comical. Nonetheless, I humor her and tell her that I trust her motherly judgment in setting me up with someone (for reference: see John’s several blog posts concerning arranged marriages).
Apparently she and one of her church lady friends were all over it before I knew what hit me. They had just the girl. She was considered “sweet” and her name was Lyla (not really) and apparently had a heart of gold. Of course, one of my first thoughts, to be honest with you, was “is she attractive?” I gave my mom the benefit of the doubt on this one and I apathetically told her I’d look into it.
Not less than a week later I see my mom’s church lady friend in the oh-so-common post-church social circle. I noticed she was surrounded by young ladies. This is normally intimidating as I will always end up saying something outrageous when this particular situation arises. But I broke through nonetheless, knowing Lyla must be in there and I had to know whether this was a go/no-go.
There she was. Flowery summer dress…check. Cowgirl boots…check. Radiating joy…check, check-a-dee-check. I was captivated and after a few short words and a nice handshake I knew I had to see her again. However, to my chagrin, I have only been able to cross her path but one time since. It may have only been that one fortuitous reunion but I decided the next time I ran into her I was going to ask her out. The rain would stop, the sun would come out, the birds would chirp and all would be merry.
But no matter what I did, this third encounter has proven to be extremely difficult. This is where it gets beautifully bogus.
(We will find out on Monday what Ranger does next)
I don’t always hear clearly from the Lord when I like a girl. I don’t even always feel close to the Lord. I try. I try really hard. I try harder than ever. But my head seems to get muffled.
I usually pray more. Because I want answers. And I want them now! I usually even take more time alone to seek God.
I think one of the more difficult stages individually in life are the times you go through when you are single and really want to be married. Because in that, you really don’t have much control. I mean, you could just get married but you know… you’re waiting till you “think” it’s the right time. And the girl, well, she has even less control.
But it’s difficult in several ways. One, when you are pursuing someone or are interested in someone… or interested in being pursued by someone, it is really hard for your focus not to be on that someone… but continuously on the Lord. And you realize all the time you spent seeking and praying never really got you closer to Him but closer (in theory) to what you hoped might be.
I am a pretty satisfied single. I enjoy being single. But I have gone through times as well when I really would prefer being married. And when that becomes a focus, before I know it, I realize I have drifted away from the Lord and am left with whatever is rolling through my mind. It’s usually not bad. But it’s pretty empty in the end.
Once you are married, you get to live out a picture of Christ and His church and those thoughts are no longer empty but beautiful. Now, I’m not saying marriage is perfect or whatever, I know its very difficult but…. For one thing, it’s no longer a problem to have your mind drifting to thoughts of a life better lived together.
With a mind drifting to thoughts of a better life lived together with no together to be had, that can be difficult.
I was sitting in a room with a couple of young married couples last night and remembered that I didn’t have a blog written yet. There used to be another single guy in the room too, but he left so it was just me and two married couples. I’m not really feeling that, it’s a little awkward, but oh well, let’s ask some questions.
“What is the most overrated thing that people are looking for in a spouse?”
The reason I ask this question is because I think everyone overrates themselves…at least, this is what McCoy tells me and I agree. We all think we are awesome and deserve someone even more awesome. In reality, we’re just ok and most everyone else is ok too. And there are some awesome ones, but we probably don’t deserve one. Sorry. We probably deserve someone ok just like us. And you know what, when you realize you are just ok, and you find someone ok, that makes you Awesome!
Some answers:
It is so overrated to be “Looking for someone who is ‘ready’.” Because no one is ready. I would still be single (if I was waiting to be ready or waiting for my spouse to be ready). You might not want to be homeless and maybe you’d like to have some food on the table but there’s too much waiting to be “ready.”
The other side chimes in, “People see ‘ready’ as the dude is set. What they see on the Bachelor or on movies. But ready is always different and always changes to where you are in life.”
This makes sense to me. I like it. I was always wanting to find the right girl when I wasn’t “ready” or “set.” I thought that’d make the relationships a lot more challenging, fun, and interesting. Like when I was an intern making nothing, that’d a been cool. I was an intern for 4 years so I had ample opportunity. What better time to meet a girl then when you are paying to work, don’t have a house, have a car in fumes, are living on a couch, and are eating power bars for dinner. #Dreamy.
Another thing that is overrated is “The List.”
“For me, my ‘List’ went like… I don’t live up to anything on my list.” “It took us awhile to realize that you don’t get married to be happy but to be holy. A lot of people think they get married and the rest of their world will be happy but that’s not true. I think life gets harder.” And the other side chimes in ”ummmmhmmm.”
This makes sense too. I used to have a “list.” A literal list. As in I wrote down everything I wanted. Then I decided not to have a list at all. So when people ask what I’m looking for, I say, “I don’t have a list! I will marry anyone who is godly and awesome.” Then they (as in Penny Stady) usually come back by asking me why I wouldn’t date certain awesome and godly girls and why I broke up with godly and awesome girls I have dated. Touché.
A third overration (it’s a new word), is…. “the feeling.” One of the peoples stated, “I lived in a fantasy dating world until I was 28. When you are done with the (fantasy) world, you can actually ask someone out.”
I agree. We are always searching for a feeling. Maybe you aren’t but I know I have before. And I strive not to but I know it happens. People are searching for a feeling and not a commitment. I think this is why there are so many failed marriages. People are searching for a feeling to get excited about a relationship rather than searching for a person to get excited about. Feelings go away, but people remain.
This is why arranged marriages work so well because they are based on commitment.
This isn’t the first time arranged marriages have come up on this blog. You all are probably just waiting for me to drop the bomb and let you know that dating is out and arrangements are in. It’d be so simple. I even asked a lady friend the other day, “Would you let me arrange your marriage?” She said, “yes.” I appreciated that. I’ll get to work on that.
So… 3 things to remember, you’re never gonna be ready, if you are waiting on a feeling – you are living in a fantasy world, and your list is dumb. Happy dating.
I was in the kitchen of my apartment complex when I looked outside and noticed a shady character. They were milling around our yard and they looked up to trouble. I looked at my roommate and said, “Hey, what’s that dude up to out there?! Looks like he’s up to trouble.” His response, “Huh? That’s my girlfriend.” I look back outside and “oh crap, it is.” Then I reply, “Oh no, not her, that other guy out there, he must have gotten away.”
I can’t imagine how honesty would have helped this situation.
I’ve heard girls say, “I wish guys would just be open and honest with what they feel and what they are thinking, it’d be so much easier!”
In theory, yes. In reality, heck no.
You DO NOT want to know what I am thinking. If you think us telling you what we are thinking would cause you less confusion……
Here’s the conversation in my head when I first saw you:
“When you walked in to the room, I thought you were really cute and you were on my mind for the next week…so I went on facebook but I couldn’t remember your name but I did know your friend so I looked through all the profiles of their friends until I found you and then I went through all of your photos and likes so I could create an image of who I thought you were before we had even spoken more than two sentences but then I saw some of your “likes” and preferences so I didn’t think we were very compatible but after that I noticed that your religion said “Jesus Saves” so I thought maybe I’d give you a chance and then we talked some more later in the week and I decided that I wasn’t that interested any more and that I think I liked another girl more… but then we talked again later that same night and I thought, maybe I am interested in you so I decided to observe you for awhile but the more I observed, the more I began to find reasons why it wasn’t going to work with us….but then I read a book about how we’re not perfect and marriages are to serve and not to be served and I thought, maybe we can work this out but then I decided I might like that other girl so I probably shouldn’t be talking to you at all anymore if I’m not going to pursue you even though I really do enjoy talking to you and being around you… but then I heard a sermon of what a godly wife was like and I thought that sounded more like you so I kind of wanted to ask you to coffee or yogurt but I only wanted to get to know you without it being awkward or leading you on so I made it a group event…but then you didn’t come so I wasn’t sure if you were interested or if I should be more forward so I got your number and sent you a text message to see how long it would take you to respond and when it took you forever to respond, I knew you must not be interested, but then I also thought, maybe she is so full of the Lord that she doesn’t need a man in her life… and I really liked that so then I texted you again and you responded right away and I thought, yes!, she is so in to me….but maybe a bit too much, maybe she just really wants to be married? does she even like me? why is she responding so quickly? she doesn’t even know me!…. so then I sent you a message back… but not right away, but not too long either, in the 13-35 minute range so that you would know that yeah, I have things to do, but you’re pretty important too so I don’t have that many things… so I invited you to another group activity even though I really just wanted to just be with you – but… I ended up avoiding you the whole evening… so I wrote a message on your wall so you would know that you were important to me despite me avoiding you at our group activity for fear of people knowing I was in to you and asking me about us before we had even decided if we want us to be an “us”, but then I saw another guy writing on your wall and I got jealous so I thought maybe I did really really like you, but then we became like best friends so I ignored you for the next 3 weeks because I didn’t think I could have a girl who was a best friend especially if I wasn’t going to marry her… but then I listened to a teaching on how you should marry your best friend so I considered proposing to you that week but I got cold feet so I decided to send you another text so I could count how long it would take till you would respond this time…and I was thinking all the while that you might be “the one” for me but I couldn’t decide if you were “the one” or if I really wanted you to be “the one” or if you were “the one” God had chosen for me or if I had simply decided to make you “the one” …so I couldn’t decide what was best…whether to not talk to you anymore or whether just to marry you… it’s a tough decision but nothing I can’t figure out before the first real date.
Honesty? I’m gonna skip that policy. Save us both the trouble.
I scribbled out some words last week based on a conversation I had had. Not thinking there would be much of a response or if anyone would even care or respond. Boy, was I mistaken. As every pocket of people I ran into, there seemed to be more pockets furthering the conversation with added thoughts, the need for clarifications, and the like. And I really enjoyed what everyone had to offer and I learned a lot myself through these conversations. I was unaware that these words would stir so much up and so I figured we must dive in deeper. (I speak from a guy’s view obviously, but you can flop the he’s and she’s in most places, you know)
I know some people cannot believe that a guy would be interested in “14” girls! But let me show you why the “14” concept is true as much as one may think that they are immune.
No one says, “I think you would be perfect with that guy or that girl, he (or she) is the cutest guy (or girl) here!” Nope, she’s gonna set you up with the guy “who knows where he’s going.” And he’s gonna set you up with the girl whose got a “great personality.” It’s true! Even subconsciously, we are never hooking our friends up with the guy or girl that we maybe, someday, might, yadayadayada ask out sometime. We try to set them up with the great girl or great guy who we know we aren’t interested in… and leave the other “14” to our future possibilities.
Girls have 14 guys they would say “yes” to for a date, right? So what’s wrong with guys having 14 girls they would take on a date?
Your single friends, they will hook you up with anyone outside of that “14” because deep down inside, they are hoping you don’t select someone that is high on their list. That’s why, as often as I may get on married couples, your married buddy might actually hook you up with the #2 girl on his list because he has already secured #1.
People are always hoping the “popular guy” or “popular girl” who is atop everyone’s list will get married… because they feel that increases their chances with the rest of their list because that person will be taken off of everyone else’s. Seriously people, I can’t make this stuff up! It’s happening.
Another thing that we are going to have to realize about each other is that, yes, we are attracted to other people, not just one person…and maybe 14. I always had this dream growing up that I was only going to like…like really like… 1 girl…ever. God was going to tell me who she was and then we’d get married. Happily ever after. Then I fell for the girl. I found the “one.” And then she found someone else. And this happened more than once. And the realization process of how this thing actually works itself out in reality came true. And there are a lot of fun times. A lot of awkward times. A lot of hurt. And a lot of emotion.
But by no means is it easy. And we must have grace with one another.
Some people have asked me, you are writing this stuff but do you ever ask out girls? Yes. If I am interested in a girl, I will ask her out. In the right context though. I’m not interested in asking out the “14.” But yeah, I don’t mind getting to know a girl. But anytime you do, it is an emotional investment and often more on one side than the other. This can make things difficult on one side or both.
Some people choose not to deal with it and wait for 1 they really want to pursue. Can’t be mad at them for that. I usually err on that side. Part of why guys aren’t asking all these girls out is that emotion. In the context of a community, when a guy asks a girl out, he is endangering himself within the whole community – either he finds the one he wants to be with or he doesn’t and A – its really awkward… B – he (or she) has to leave the group… C – he gets blacklisted by all her friends or D – all of the above. I’m not saying a guy shouldn’t ask a girl out, just that there is a lot more to it. But the ins and outs of that are probably for another time. It’s not typically as easy as “just ask her out!” which is what I usually hear. I think its fine if I do but I typically choose not to until I know I really want to. Because I don’t want to deal with all the other things listed above.
Some girls are upset about the fact that if a guy likes 14 girls, then why isn’t he asking any of them out. It’s a fair question but as has been said, the answer is often much more complicated and one needs not judge guys in general here.
I think we hear from the Christian community often about how guys need to ask girls out more often. This is a very poor stereotype that unfairly judges the young men in the Christian community. Firstly, yes, some guys do need to ask more girls out. Secondly, some guys are doing just fine and doing it the right way. And thirdly, some guys need to STOP asking so many girls out. We tend to get hung up on #1 when there are two other categories of guys.
My man doing it the right way, probably ain’t asking all 14 out. There are 14 girls of interest out there, as there should be. He is figuring out which ones he truly thinks there might be a future there with and then … and THEN… hopefully he WILL ask one out.
There are different tiers to the “14” as well. At Tier 1, there are maybe 1-3 girls that you are interested in and would like to get to know better. At Tier 2, there are the girls you think you might be interested in, maybe, if you got to know them a little more. At Tier 3, there are the girls who you don’t know that well at all, but you’re intrigued.
Therefore there are different stages of jealousy, different scenarios, and etc. to touch based on that issue as well.
The point is that a guy isn’t claiming 14 girls and no one else can have them. The point is that the guy has 14 potential girls that he would take on a date and get to know more. Just like there are 14 guys that the girl would say “yes” to for a date.
So with Tier 1, if your guy friend asks one of them out, sure, you are gonna be down on him (but did he know? Did he not know? Should he have known? It’s debatable if anyone has done anything wrong). With Tier 2, the friend likely does not know and she is down your list so when he asks her out, you are hurt for a minute, but more so because you are disappointed because you missed your chance and he asked her not because you are upset with him. At Tier 3, you think, “well… next.”
It’s not that we, as guys, hate the other guy, (unless your homeboy goes after a Tier 1, then its over), we’re just disappointed that the girl is no longer available! And the guy may be just as frustrated with his indecisiveness (any guys out there?! Hey!!!) as he is with being frustrated with the other guy…
It’s tough I know. I think the jealousy and hurt are real. I’ve been on both sides. Causing it, walking in it. Thinking it to be ridiculous that a girl won’t let me date her friend and then being dearly hurt when it happens on the other end. I understand the disappointment. And I understand the realization that its usually my fault (and I don’t speak that humbly, but collectively). We invest our lives in things that are temporary. We invest our lives in feelings and emotions. And we invest our lives in things that are destined to crumble. And when they do, we are left hurt, disappointed, and broken. And that’s ok. God has a soft spot for broken people.
So……..are there “14” girls I have corned off for myself and are making sure no others guys ask out. Absolutely not. Are there a few girls I have corned off? Nope. Sorry to disappoint. But are there 14 godly girls out there who should have a godly guy take them out and get to know them? Absolutely. 14 ain’t a bad thing. There’s a lot of great qualities in a lot of great people. It’s not about comparison but of finding the right person for you. So in the meantime, get to know each other, do our best not to get jealous, not to get hung up on the temporary, treat each other purely and right, and all should fare well… maybe. Hopefully.
Or maybe we should all just update our facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”
My friend Jeff Hartley asked me what I was gonna do about a certain girl that I like. He knew that I had been interested in her for awhile. I replied, “Absolutely nothing.” ….”but don’t get me wrong Jeff, if another guy asks her out and she says yes, I will be very jealous.”
He knew she was the type of girl who, “Yeah, I’d married her. I just don’t know if I want to. I might want to. Someday. I’m just not sure right now. Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I’m not sure at all. I mean, I’d be the happiest guy alive if I did marry her. But I’m just not sure if she’s the one I want to marry. So in the meantime, I will continue to ponder the possibilities of potentially asking her out on an actual date and seeing if there is something more there but maybe I won’t find out what I want to find out and I’ll be left continuously wondering whether she is the one for me or not. Yeah, that’s the type of girl she is.” You may think I’m crazy. I either think …A – you are just like me. Or… B – you are absolutely correct.
This got us into stories about girls we had never gone out with, never asked out – and then got jealous when she started dating another guy.
I remember one time where I had been interested in this girl and had thought about asking her out. I was half-heartedly kind of trying and was even gonna ask one night before another guy corned her for the evening. And while I was thinking, “Should I? Should I not? When should I? When should I not?” …she starts dating this other guy! And my heart sank. I was depressed for about 2 days. Because I thought, maybe, someday, maybe I would want to ask her out!
I was obviously down on this guy. But not only him, if a close friend were to do this to me, I’d be down on him too. “Did what?” Exactly, he wouldn’t even know what he did. But he should just know, she was for me. Maybe. If I decided that maybe perhaps I think someday she will be for me.
I was meeting with one of my pastors, Phil Comer, one time and he asked me what was going on. I told him that a friend of mine had asked out a girl I thought I might like so I was mad at him (my friend). Phil told me that was really dumb. I told him “I know. But I’m still mad at him.”
It goes like this…
I’m jealous of you (my friend) even though I love you, support you and want what’s best for you unless I think what’s best for you might be what’s best for me then I might want it for myself but as long as what’s best for you is not something I am interested in at the moment, then I fully support you and love you and want that for you and I will be by your side so long as I don’t decide that what that best thing is in your life is best for me too.
Yeah, I think that’s about what goes through my mind.
During this conversation with Jeff, he tells me he is thinking about asking out Kari Jobe. I said, “Who is that?” He said, “A singer.” A good response from me might be “cool Jeff, that’s awesome” “you should do that” …something like that. And in fact, that probably was my actual response, “Cool Jeff, that’s awesome, do it”. But on the inside of me, I was thinking, “Why do you get to ask her out? What if I want to ask her out?”
Later that night while Jeff was in one room and me in another, I googled Kari so I also might know if I wanted to ask her out.
I’m not a bitter single. I love it when my friends get married. I love seeing two people find the one they want to spend their lives with, fall in love, and journey through life together.
But I sure can be a jealous single. Not jealous as in “I want to be married, why are they married and I’m not!” Nah, I’m cool with being single. I’m jealous in a “I want what I want at all times with all options, possibilities, choices, and selections” kind of way.
(Side note: I’m not of the jealous type who doesn’t “allow” my friend or someone to date someone I like. I think that’s really stupid. In fact, I think they have great tastes.)
Me and Jeff began to talk about James 4. It says, “What cause fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. …You do not have because you do not ask God.”
Yep. The Word of God stands forever. That’s good, real good. I’m pretty sure I’d be much better off loving, supporting others and then simply asking God to fill my needs. And I’m also pretty sure that I’m pretty messed up.
We, as in guys (or maybe it’s just me…or maybe me and Jeff…but don’t put that on Jeff, I need him to have a great reputation so he will let me keep writing about him…so assume its just me), have a nest of like 14 girls that we are interested in, and maybe someday we’ll marry one one day or maybe take one on a date, and as long as you don’t ask one of them out, we’re cool but as soon as you do, well, we ain’t boys anymore.
If you are thinking, “that sounds really bad and not Christian at all.” You’re right. And I’m in process. God help me. In the meantime Jeff, she’s not in my 14, so go for it brother.
In case you were wondering, yes, I do have the ability to write really cheesey poetry as well… Have you ever just really, really, really, just needed a friend?
Yep, I Need a Friend
God, I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask you for anything after the idiot I’ve been.
But I need a friend.
I’m so lonely and tired and struggling in sin.
I need a friend.
Alone for breakfast, by myself for lunch, and the same for my din-din.
I need a friend.
Its like that in the morning, at work, all day, begging to end.
umhmm, I need a friend.
I don’t know if its too much to ask, if the rules would have to bend.
But I need a friend.
My life is starting to suck and I’d like to get it back on the mend.
Yep, I need a friend.
My soul crying out and my flesh for a companion, my heart shall I rend!
I need a friend.
Searching alone and trying so hard, its like chasing the wind.
That’s right, I need a friend.
I’ll take a 6 or a 7, not even a ten.
I need a friend.
And in Your perfect timing, I know what You’ll send…
I was driving to Costco after having just gone through a difficult time (break-up included). I felt like God wanted to speak so I tried to turn off the “noise”… but I couldn’t handle the silence…
The Ailing Silence
You know what its like when you’re just sitting, driving, listening to the radio?
And you don’t really want to, you just don’t want to be alone?
You know, like when you just don’t want to be alone with your thoughts?
But you turn it off. And your face, it cringes. Your stomach, it knots.
And you feel weak and sick, desperate… for something.
You reach out and grab… but all you get… is nothing.
You’ve waited in line. You’ve waited your turn.
Just for a taste, a sip … and you get nothing but hurt.
Your heart, it desires, your body it yearns.
But your light it fades … like a candle’s burn.
The knots, they well up, still sick of yourself
Your looking for someone who you can just tell
How you feel and what its like
But finding that person is like walking at night
With your eyes closed and you cringe again
Waiting for the moment to pass, so your heart can mend
To have life and freedom and sing like you used to
For being full of light bulbs and illumination, it sure was hard to take notes.
But nonetheless, I did my best.
Last Friday at Solid Rock, we were blessed with the presence of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his daughter Joy for the Love and Respect Now “Illumination Project” (www.loveandrespectnow.com).
I must admit, I felt somewhat awkward walking in. I am of the older demographic of the 18-35 year range that was invited. Walking in, there were girls all over the place dressed to impress… and young boys being overly impressed. What better place to find that special “one” than at the Love and Respect Conference, right?! Nonetheless, I very much enjoyed the evening and gained much wisdom.
One of the things that stood out the most to me was on the topic of loneliness. I guess it wasn’t really a topic but it popped up several times. I mean, that’s what happens when you are talking about singles, inevitably the topic of loneliness will often trail close behind.
I like hearing about loneliness. I relate. As much as people see someone like me and think I have thousands of friends, I still go home to an empty house every night. And I definitely know what it feels like to be lonely.
One thing single people have experience at regardless of whether they have many friends or not is that of being lonely. And loneliness is a deep, deep feeling that causes you to do things you would swear that weren’t you… and cause you to do things that you swear you would never do.
Might Paul even have been writing from the a lonely heart when he penned the words, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” It’s a lot easier to get caught in doing the things you hate to do when you are by yourself because you simply want to “feel” something. “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.” A single person looking to fill the needs of loneliness could relate exactly to what Paul is saying here.
And although I must admit I am extremely blessed with the friendships and community I currently have, I know what it is like to be lonely and depressed. I moved from Virginia to Portland 5 years ago. I worked 7 days a week which left little time to find community or attend church or even find one. I was terribly lonely for two years. Like painfully lonely.
It’s not even, at least for me, “Will I ever get married?” or anything like that. I assume I will someday. But it’s the, “I do not want to feel like this right now. It hurts. Its painful.” And it is. Singles often cry themselves to sleep at night. Not because anything is terribly wrong, but simply because it hurts to be alone.
And there is an excruciating loneliness that can go along with being single. A pain that goes deep that not all can understand.
And one might commiserate with the Psalmist saying, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”
Now don’t get me wrong, there is fullness in singleness as well and we’ll get to that more in other blogs but this is about the incredible emptiness of loneliness that also often travels along with singles. For those who “burn within” and are…. Still burning.
I know often those who are lonely struggle with how to handle such deep feelings of companionship, of passion, of desire, of lust. What do you do with these feelings? …and what happens is we get advice from others who got married at 22 and have no idea what its like to be 27, 30, 35 and single. And waiting. … … …
I know married people often struggle with those same feelings and lust in different ways… but imagine not ever being able to express that passion or desire or love that is so deep in your soul. It rests there and demands to come out. And there is no “outlet” for it. This is what gets the young Jesus-follower into trouble, male or female. We often choose unhealthy ways to “cope” with these desires because we don’t know what to do with them and the same advice we seem to get over and over doesn’t take away the desire, it only seems to put it back in the box before jack comes out again… we stuff him in, and pretend or think its over with only to have that passion cranked a few times and see him come out again to our shame.
One thing we must do which was reiterated at the “Illumination Project” is to rely on what we know to be true. And if we believe the Bible to be the Word of God, we believe that God is good, that God has a plan, and that God is working.
And how we respond as was shared by the Eggerichs’ is to “Not waste the loneliness” and to “Let whatever God is doing happen.”
So very, very true. God is at work. And as we allow Him to work, we are going to see a beautiful work of art come out of our lives and the pieces of our puzzle fit perfectly. And yes, we may have to wait. (I honestly don’t feel it is better to be married or single. It is full either way, it’s simply a matter of what and how we fill our lives).
I notice when looking back, although, I did waste a lot of the loneliness and had my share of struggles with lust and depression. God still redeemed that time. And is still redeeming it. I began writing again. And writing poetry (I will post one everyday this week that dealt with loneliness. Oh yes, you can come back here everyday). Some was fairly depressing. But that’s the best kind. I try to write now but it doesn’t work. I have too many friends. I can only write poetry when I am lonely and depressed. I guess that’s why I write a blog now, I can smile and write funny stories about missionaries.
Another point brought up Friday evening was that we cannot fear the loneliness and this is so true as well. Fear paralyzes us. And while it often paralyzes us to the lack of movement, in relationships and feelings it often paralyzes us into a relationship for fear of ending up with no relationship at all. This leads to the path of unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship. A never-ending cycle where one’s heart is never truly filled. One must not put their hope in another to fill that place. One’s heart can be filled whether single or married. And one’s heart can be left empty whether married or single.
But alas, you will continue to go through struggles. And you can continue go to that older person who shares some great advice about staying pure and keeping your mind right…. While they continue to go home and have sex with their wife at night. Thanks. I’m gonna go home by myself now… again… for the 1,186th straight night. But……….
….This is one of the perks of singleness. Oh yes. It is a perk. But only if we “get it.”
We get to experience something (passion, desire, lust) that is impossible to mend or cure or keep in the box. And in return, we get a Hero who sympathizes with us. One who was tempted in every way just like you and me, and yet is without sin. And we have an opportunity to experience Jesus in a way only few can. When He’s not only your husband, but your only husband. When He’s not only the One who fills your heart. But He’s the only One who can fill your heart.
And the Psalmist concludes his wrestling with the words “But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.”
I don’t have many answers at all. Others do but they don’t always “get” us. Jesus was us, is us, and “gets” us.
I know, I know, I shouldn’t be working on Labor Day. But I am determined to get this posted before midnight. I’m gonna have to shoot from the hip a bit here.
I considered retiring after the last 2 blogs. I didn’t think I could top them. I mean, even I go back to read them from time to time for entertainment value. So I may have to go back to being serious and talking about practical things and real life people again.
I thought about doing another Missions piece with great material such as “The Interloper”… you know… that guy who ends up in every conversation, even the one’s he’s not in. But somehow he is always IN them?! Where did he come from? It was two girls in a deep conversation around the corner, alone, when “the interloper” chimed in with his own question. And then when the ladies took their conversation upstairs where only girls could be, he was already there. Somehow, the toilet had broken down and it was “necessary” for him to be there. He seems pretty innocent so you’re not quite sure if he just happens to be really creepy or if he just happens to be there. And I’m not really sure either.
Or we could talk about the “Bubble Intruder” who is invited into the conversation but you didn’t need to know what flavor of mint she had in her mouth. As you slowly back away, pretty soon you are pinned up against a wall, and she doesn’t even seem to mind. Does anyone else feel awkward right now? I do.
And then there were the quotes that have yet to be mentioned of, and not surprisingly if you read the last two blogs…quotes such as, “I’ve talked more about boys on this trip than ever before.” and “Everything that is said always funnels back to boys.” Or from the other side…“Who comes up with these games, they’re horrible. I’ll admit, girls come up with and play stupid games.” I’m not sure who comes up with these games either but I have 4 guesses. And they begin with S, T, E, and P.
I didn’t do enough interviews to find out what all games were being made up. But when I was growing up, it was MASH or bust. But the most popular here seemed to be Marry, Kiss, or Cliff where you decided which guy you would marry, which you would kiss, and which one you would push off the cliff.
Can you imagine the egos guys would have if we knew how much we were being talked about?
Or how devastated we would be if we knew that the 7 girls upstairs had just pushed us off a cliff.
I received this story from an unnamed source on the team when I curiously investigated what games were being played…”The game I was talking about was made up in the airport on the way home. It’s called ‘iwe,’ In Shona iwe means you! So, iwe works this way…I spot a cute guy that I think my friend would like and whisper to her, “Iwe, red shirt.” She then searches the room for a guy with a red shirt, when she finds him she then approves or doesn’t. If she thinks that he is her type then I get a point!!! It’s also pretty fun to point out a little 80 year old man for her to search the room for and then watch as she spots grandpa.”
I can’t imagine what the leaders of this trip would think if they knew about this?!
Wait… that’s me. Come again girls, what were you doing?!!!
Other unsurprising quotes such as “I was absolutely shocked by the amount of talk about dating and marriage that there was on this trip. I have never experienced anything like it!” She seems pretty excited about that.
“In fact, one of the girls and I talked about dating and boys for about 5 hours on one of our flights home!”
Are any of us surprised? I know, for one, I am. I cannot believe that it was for only five hours.
but I didn’t feel like I needed to write about Missions again and I felt we should move on, I mean, I’ve only been doing the blog for about 2 months and to have 3 blogs about silly mission trip stories seems a bit extreme… although I have high hopes for how many guys might sign up for our trip next year.
but before I can move into something productive, it looks like it’s about midnight. Better get this to the presses…
Every mission trip has its stereotypical figures and its girl and boy awkwardness and awesomeness. Somehow the same “people” are always showing up on these trips. There is always a mission pimp, a team nun, a safe guy, the single guy, the mission stud, the popular girl, mission martha, the sidekick, the natural girl, the overachiever, and the mission mom.
Before I carry on, I always love to preface to get myself out of as much trouble as possible. First I would like to say, that I wholeheartedly love each one of these figures. And I myself, am sure to have played many a role. I highly respect and admire anyone who chooses to take their vacation or time off to serve the least of these and who spends time raising support, using their own hard earned money, and praying for and with team members as they go overseas to do a beautiful work. So consider yourself blessed if you fall into one of these categories. I know I’m thankful for you. If you’ve been on a mission trip before, you already know these characters. If you haven’t, you are likely very curious as to how all of this is happening in the midst of a mission trip. Sorry, it just does.
And as I said before these things really don’t matter. It’s not the focus or point of a mission trip. It’s simply a byproduct. You can’t put girls and boys together in tight spaces on a mission without girl and boy stories arising. So before I waste any more of your time with prefaces, let’s get to those stories!
The same personalities always seem to end up on these trips. The first and most noticeable one… because he makes sure he is noticed is the “Mission Pimp.” I’m not sure I need to describe him, but you can usually find him pairing off with a lady by Day #2 and then another one by Day #5 and so on… pretty soon, the ladies are in chaos and my man talks about how much he respects women as sisters and is so blessed to have found so many “sisters” on the team. I bet you are.
The “mission pimp” is never alone either. Next to him, you will find the “Desperate Guy” aka “The Sidekick.” He’s at the “mission pimp’s” side… a Tonto to the Lone Ranger or a Pedro to a Napoleon Dynamite. The “mission pimp” loves the attention of the ladies…and even of the fellas… he just really loves attention. He loves to be admired. And “pedro” loves to admire him. In fact, he wants to be him one day. While “mission pimp” is trading out massages with the insecure single ladies on the team, Pedro sits right next to him waiting his turn. As soon as a massage is over, “pedro” slides in. It’s the perfect move. You can’t say ‘no’ to him because it would blow the whole operation so Pedro enjoys the recompenses as “the sidekick” and wonders if one day, he too can be the “mission pimp.” #Keeping the dream alive.
Meanwhile, you will find the “Mission Stud” across the room. He looks over at the “mission pimp” and “pedro” and simply carries on his conversation with the “Natural Girl” knowing that “God will complete the good work He has started in the ‘mission pimp’s’ life.”
The “mission stud” needs not an introduction either. He is the guy on the team who all the ladies, secure and insecure want to be with. He loves the Lord. He loves children. But there is an issue. The problem is, he really is interested more in the mission than on the girls. Which makes the girls like him even more. He gets along with everyone. Him and “Single Guy” are boys and he even tolerates the “mission pimp” and has a soft spot for “pedro.”
The “natural girl” is the one who causes all the other ladies to scream out, “Where did she come from?!!? And why does she look the same as she did in the states?” She wears no makeup. She looks the same before, during, and after the trip. Before the trip, you thought she was cute. During the trip, while other ladies drown in the sorrows of a lack of make-up and blow dryers, the “natural girl” quickly rises to the top of every guy’s list thereby becoming what is known as the “overachiever”… the girl who was once unnoticed back home but now the boys can’t get enough of. This is the girl whose natural beauty and God-fearing attributes… have been further heightened in the missions atmosphere. The other girls appreciate “natural girl” and admire her but also begin to lose self-confidence in themselves… “She looks fine today. What happened to ME?!!”
Meanwhile, the “Safe Guy” is scurrying around gathering intel on all the single ladies. “What’s their dating history?” “Are they currently in a relationship?” “Are they interested in someone?” “Who do they like on the team?” And somehow, “safe guy” always get the answers. “Safe guy” is already in a relationship so girls feel safe sharing information with him. “Safe guy” loves to revel in the information he has acquired. He tells lots of stories to the other guys about the girls on the team, yet refuses to say any names as to not “gossip.” This is when the “Leader Guy” has to step in and say, “Shut up Andrew Brady, give us names or be quiet!” …I mean, he says, “Shut up ‘safe guy mystery man #1’ give us names or be quiet!” The “safe guy” can save us all a lot of time. He has acquired great information. “Is she dating?” “Who does she like?” “Do I have a chance?” “What did she mean by that?”
“Safe guy” can be a great addition to a guys’ late night talk. He’s very helpful to the “single guy.” That’s the guy who is on the trip with the right heart, and the right reasons but… if you asked him he’d share… “I’m not looking per se, buuuuttt…I’m available.” He’s a great guy with a big heart and when he finds a girl on the trip he likes, he’ll be ready to make his move.
As we speak, the ladies are loading the van, and the “Popular Girl” aka the “Overpacker” can be seen standing next to the “mission pimp” and “pedro.” They love carrying her bags and making sure her daily needs are being taken care of. Meanwhile, “Mission Martha” is painting sandwiches with peanut butter and jelly, carrying two jugs of water, some mangos, and beef jerky, while making sure the games and crafts have been loaded into the van.
It’s definitely a blessing to have “mission mom” on these trips well. She’s the one person who supports it all. She wasn’t walking with the Lord at a young age so when she sees all these young believers, she doesn’t see all the stereotypes and faults that we see. She’s in love with everyone. She thinks its cute that “mission pimp” has a crush. And another. And another. She loves that “pedro” has a best friend. And she can’t wait to introduce “mission stud” to her daughter as soon as the team gets back.
Well, meanwhile, another issue is brewing on the other side of the room. “I’ve fallen in love with the ‘Team Nun’ but I am afraid to talk to her.” Yes, aren’t we all. While the “mission pimp” is sharing riveting Scriptures about himself and “how graciously God has chosen him to be fearfully and wonderfully made and if you work hard, maybe you can too”… the rest of the fellas are trying to wrap their heads around the “team nun.” The “team nun” is incredibly godly. She obviously hears from the Lord and by the time I am heating up my coffee in the morning, she has been interceding on behalf of the team for the last hour. The guys aren’t sure what to do with her. They are incredibly attracted to her godliness and character but are intimidated to speak to her. When a guy finally finds the courage to do so, he realizes that one who shines in the presence of the Lord is full of grace, wisdom, and love and is well worth being around. Go for it “single guy!”
I’m sure there are more people we could talk about but this is getting long. Maybe we can do a Part 3 next week, maybe. First, I need to make sure Mike will let me lead another mission trip.
14. That’s how many times I said the word pimp. I figured you were gonna go back and count. I’ll save you the time.
There is an underlying theme in all mission trips of not just Jesus, of not just mission, but of girls… and boys.
It all starts when the list comes out.
Immediately, single team members rush to their facebook pages and begin the process of facebook stalking prospective future teammates. To see if their desire may be to drop the word team from the word teammate.
I’m not saying I know this because I do it. That would be inappropriate for me as a leader of these trips. I am saying I know this because maybe I used to do this too, maybe.
As profiles are being searched, judgments are being made. Thoughts are being processed. And prayers are being offered up.
By the time the trip starts, the chatter is in full force. Stereotypes are being made. And games are being played. Marry, Kiss, or Cliff. You tell me.
Pockets begin forming. Girls and boys begin pairing off. And soon you have the same two people pairing off 14 times a day thinking it to be unnoticeable to the rest of the team, who sneers in the background, “can you believe those two?!…can’t they just wait a week!”
Well, soon, the girls are staking claims on guys. They (not the ones reading this blog) mark their boy like a dog marks its territory. Making sure they are always close to him and at his beckon call (can I help you today? how can I serve you? how was your quiet time? did God speak to you this morning? would you like a piece of gum? granola bar? I brought an extra banana for you.) so the other girls know “he is mine and keep your paws off,” meanwhile… the young fella is wondering how he is supposed to get to know the other girl on the team that he has set his sights on since the first team meeting (when he smoothly entered into conversation around her likes on facebook all the while she was wondering how this guy seemed to know her so well).
Then the set ups begin. Everyone has figured out who should be with who and opinions begin racing in. Fellow team members have their opinions. The married ones have theirs. The single ones from a totally different perspective. And the leaders and locals love to chime in too.
The fellow singles usually have the lamest opinions… Single Person A: “I think you would be perfect with her!” Single Person B: “You’re single…Why don’t you ask her out then?” Single Person A: “Oh, she’s not for me…. But she would be great with you!”
Married people usually have a fair perspective due to not being involved in the pool of singleness yet one must be leery. I have become highly aware that married people don’t like their single friends being single so you have to be a little careful about them trying to get you married off without a proper investment into your future. Unless they plan on taking real steps, such as a McMingle, don’t trust them.
Leaders can have pretty poor opinions as well. Theirs often comes from the perspective of “I am in charge and I’m older so obviously I know what is best.” What that usually means is, “You kids are so on fire for God nowadays. I wasn’t walking with God when I was younger so whenever I see any two young believers together, they just look perfect!…every time.”
And even the locals have their notice. In some cultures marriage is held awfully, awfully high. As in very, very high. As in, if you aren’t married by the time you are 18, there must be a problem. And if you have been married for 9 months and 2 weeks, and are yet to have kids, there also must be something wrong. If the locals aren’t interested in marrying you themselves, they will be sure to let you know which teammate you should make your companion. Or rather than an opinion, maybe you’ll just receive a prayer. I had a Pastor tell me that he was praying that “there would be a special delivery from heaven and that God would open my eyes to see that person and that God would bless me by bringing that special guy into my life.” Hmm…. I appreciate the heart behind it. I’ll receive that and chalk up the rest to a language barrier.
Guys and girls get attracted to each other on mission trips. Its not bad at all. In fact, I think it’s a great place for people to meet people. You obviously share passions and character traits. But it can be misleading. Everyone’s on their best behavior. Girls are serving (did you see her in the kitchen today? how about when she cleaned up after everyone? she’s the perfect mixture of Martha and Mary). Boys are loving and playing with children (did you see how he held that baby? my heart melted. and when he picked up that little girl? Oh my, I can already picture our family of 17. We will live in a village and adopt kids of every kind). And everyone’s reading their Bibles and praying sweet prayers.
It’s a beautiful thing. But it’s also misleading for the reasons above. One must use discernment and wisdom…and patience.
When you come back next week, I will give you some of the signs to look for and the stereotypical figures you will find on your mission trips. It’s like the “Secrets Behind…” series as you discover how magic happens and if wrestling is real or fake. Only here, you can discover what that boy is really thinking. What games those girls are really playing.
Do people go on mission trips for Jesus or to meet girls and boys?
The answer is Jesus. It’s not a trick question. But meeting girls and boys is a byproduct. I’d like to say I am immune to such “mission fever” but my dating resume would suggest otherwise.
I asked a married teammate/leader if they knew what the girls and boys were talking about at night. She was clueless and somewhat surprised. Oftentimes, leaders are oblivious to what’s really happening… because they are married. But I happen to straddle both sides of leadership and singleness. I’m not only hearing what is really going on. I’m involved. Oh yes, God help me.
(Editor’s Note: These are all stereotypes and do not hold true to all mission trips or to the one I was currently on. Exaggerations are used heavily for the purposes of exaggeration. So don’t get too offended yet, next week’s column will be worse.)
It has been wonderful sharing this blog with you. Thanks for all the great feedback, and shared thoughts, and entertaining stories.
I will be going on a hiatus for a bit.
I must head over to Africa to search for more stories.
So I will look to post again on August 20th.
Also, I want you to know that I am open for ideas and thoughts. We have some fun things planned for the blog over the next while…. And we welcome any of your ideas or stories!
Get ready for:
-Round Table’s discussion on “The Swoop”
-Ashley’s Men of Summer (5 set up dates in 5 weeks)
-Your Advice Sucks (we may come up with a more user-friendly title… but you know what I mean)
-Honesty can be an Awful Policy
-Do you know what it took for me to dial your number?
Just shoot me an e-mail @ mr.jwross@gmail.com if you have a story to tell, (or maybe someone else’s story that they should tell), any creative ideas, or simply any thoughts or questions.
And while I may discover some stories in Africa, my true joy will be spending time with my favorite kids in the world. The perks of singleness – I get to do this every year.
I thought that’s what you do when a girl writes you a love letter.
Yep, I’m still single. And 30. …haha
I see you Josh Hanson… getting ready to pop that collar at the ripe age of 4. In case any of you were wondering where that trend started… now you know
We were fairly honest as kids…about who we liked. We didn’t mind telling them. We didn’t mind writing letters. And if we did mind, we would just chase them on the playground.
The simple days.
I went from being embarrassed that a girl liked me to… wanting everyone to know who likes me…even if I didn’t like them. It feeds the ego I guess. “Can you believe she likes me?!”…”oh you didn’t know?” “Yeah, she’s so into me but I’m not feeling it.”
But on the other side, I think it shows a little more than ego as well.
That note from pre-school. They were just a few words on a piece of paper. But they did something to me. They caused a reaction. They created emotion.
We go from throwing notes away to keeping notes tucked away. From being embarrassed to simply cherishing words of encouragement, regardless of who from. We all like to be liked. To be wanted. To know we have something of value to offer another. And to know someone has seen it.
I’m not going to lie, it can be really tricky affirming someone of the opposite sex without giving mixed signals. I seem to always be in debate with myself as to when the right time to say something is and how to say and if I should say it… but I think it is a truly valuable thing and to simply not do it out of fear of how it will be received would cause me to miss a valuable opportunity to let someone know that they are beautiful, that they matter, and that someone noticed.
The key to not send mixed signals:
1 – mean what you say 2 – treat everyone the same 3 – whatever you say to someone individually, you should be able to say to them in a group
If we can cultivate the habit of affirming one another, cherishing what we have to offer each other, and speaking God’s good truth into each other’s lives, we will walk more securely, confidently, and assuredly as we become the men and women God created us to be. All it takes sometimes, is just a few little words.
There’s a lot of opinions being formed about me. And my people.
I should marry the next girl I find who will say yes. I should marry the next girl I meet who is hot and godly. I should wait until I “know.” I’ll find her when I stop looking. I should pray until she just shows up. I should ask more girls out. And I should definitely worry about becoming the right person as opposed to finding the right person.
Everybody’s got an opinion. Especially the married ones. Something worked for them so it should work for me too.
These great people like to tell me I’m missing out on something.
I like to tell them that they’re missing out on something. (It makes me feel better.)
The fact is, we’re both right.
I envy the married one’s closeness, relationship/friendship, and the awesome things married people get to do together.
Married people envy some of the “freedoms” and adventures that us singles get to have. They can say they don’t. But I can see the disappointment on their faces when we go on spur of the moment road trips and they aren’t able to join in. As soon as they’ve said, “I have to check with my wife”, we are already halfway down I-5. It gives us singles a little feeling of victory.
Some people act like I don’t want to get married. This is far from the truth.
In my world, I was going to graduate college, marry my sweetheart and start life. And I was on a fairly good track until the right lady came around at the wrong time and the wrong lady came around at the right time and before you know it, “life” is happening.
I think we try to act like everything in life is planned out for us and will “happen” as it should. But then we live freaking out about everything that is and isn’t happening. We’re a strange people.
I think we simply make choices. And how to find the “right” girl or whatever, there is no rhyme or reason…and the Bible is pretty vague. It speaks of wisdom and then leaves us to ourselves. The Bible is pretty full of different ways of people getting together. It seems to really like arranged marriages. I’m not completely opposed. I’ve been in discussions with Dan Sagers about some possibilities of arranging each other’s marriages. Last April, we decided that we were going to first start with arranging a date for each other. But first we had to each read the New Testament in a month. I finished in a month. I’m still waiting for Dan-o to finish. Maybe he is not as high on arrangements as I am.
The church is also pretty full of different ways. I hear a lot of teaching and a lot of relationship sermons. I like some. I don’t like some. But there sure are a lot of angles. Joshua Harris had some innovative angles which some people hold responsible for the detriment of Christian dating. I wouldn’t take it that far. I actually enjoyed his stuff.
But maybe I enjoyed it too much and it caused me to kiss the prime dating years of my life away.
The Bible doesn’t give a prescription. Instead it gives a lot of stories. I used to give people prescriptions and opinions. I think stories are better.
I can’t say that I have learned much about dating.
Other than that it is an inexhaustible pit with no right way to do it.
It used to be a pit of awesomeness, like exciting and fun. Then it became a pit of, “Can I just get this over with and find “the one” already?!”
I really never wanted to date much. Thanks Josh.
I just wanted to wait and find my wife.
Turns out that was more tricky than I thought and it also included some dating. And even more attempts…at dating.
I also thought, God would just tell me who I was gonna marry, I would marry her and it would be great.
Either, I wasn’t listening, it doesn’t always work like that, or I just haven’t waited long enough.
Maybe it’s a combination of all.
I’m really not sure. But I do think the journey is pretty fun.
So as to not forget the ladies…for those who are waiting for that man… there are lots of stories and opinions for you too…. Make yourselves “more” available, make yourselves “less” available, maybe just crawl under his sheets (Ruth 3:8 – it is a proven biblical way of successful marriage), or pray for him until he asks you out (I’ve heard this works), or bring him some water for his camels (Genesis 24:14-15 another proven biblical success story), or just become really good friends with Dan. Maybe when he finishes his reading, he can hook you up. Arrangement style.
Julie was born in Portland before moving to Saudi Arabia when she was 2 ½. When she was four, she was so excited to use the restroom for the first time on her own. But there was no seat there, just a hole in the ground with a chain above it for flushing. She “went” and then she jumped up for the chain to flush. But she couldn’t reach it. She jumped again and landed in the toilet. Her foot was stuck and she had to call out for help. She thought to herself, “my parents will never let me go to the restroom by myself again!”
I met up with Julie for some frozen yogurt the other day. I was a little late so she had already finished hers.
I met Julie a few years ago on a trip to Africa. She was known as “joyful” Julie for her contagious personality. Julie’s full of stories. One time in 6th grade, she was having a girls sleepover. They were playing “skeletons in the closet.” Julie didn’t have any skeletons so she was nervous about what to say. So she told them that she didn’t have any because Jesus had taken them from the east to the west. All the girls thought this sounded much better than having skeletons so Julie and mom led all the girls to the Lord.
Julie is a beautiful, confident, fun woman. You can pretty much assume that her relationships with boys are smooth sailing. Right? …
One time, Julie dated a man in the mafia. The man’s mother offered Julie $10,000 to marry him. She didn’t take the offer. Julie dated another guy she met on-line. He was a good guy but before they met, he had left out the part that he was missing an arm and a leg. She also dated an OSU basketball player whom she met on myspace and after dating for two weeks, he asked her for $1000, she declined and never heard from him again. She tends to cope with these situations through retail therapy. For the big ones, she usually purchases a new car and one time, even a boat…which of course required her to also purchase a 7-passenger Pilot to haul around the boat that she didn’t even know how to use.
Julie says “Retail therapy helps me recover quicker back into everyday life. However, looking at my past there is no reason I should trust and love again except that I pray everyday that God will keep my heart soft and tear down any walls I have built up. That my heart wouldn’t harden and burst like aged wine in new skins. That the mistakes of man and myself wouldn’t keep me from being me and loving God. And it gets harder and harder the older I get.”
Sometimes things don’t seem to work as we plan. You try. You try again. Julie hasn’t given up though. She’s as joyful as always. Sometime, things will work out. And sometimes, you just accumulate more stories. For Julie, its been the latter.
Julie had attended the same church as this guy for a couple of years. They weren’t much more than acquaintances.
He walked up to her one day and said, “You know, I’ve always wanted to go out with you. You wanna go grab lunch?” Julie thought that sounded great. And so they headed out to lunch. He took her to a local cafeteria. Julie didn’t want to get anything to pricey so she ordered a $2 salad and a water. At the cash register, the lady at the counter asked her, “And how would you like to pay for this?” Julie turned to her date and he politely smiled and nodded while firmly gripping his own tray with no sign of reaching into his pockets. And he didn’t.
Two months go by. Julie hadn’t heard from him at all.
One Sunday, she is at church and talking with some friends. He runs up to and pulls her aside and says, “I have to talk to you.”
He goes on to say, “I think I’m gonna have to break it off between us.”
Julie walked away perplexed at having a guy break up with her that she didn’t even know she was dating.
He said he wanted to date someone in the 12 step program and that if she wasn’t in the program, it wasn’t going to work. Julie wasn’t interested in the guy but she did look up the 12 step program. “I at least wanted to know what I was getting “dumped” for.”
As we were walking away, Julie to her brand new car and me to my mine, I thanked her for sharing her stories and I apologized for not getting there soon enough to pay for her yogurt. She said, “Don’t worry about it. It was only $2.”
We all hear the “love stories,” how God brought these two wonderful people together, how they waited on Him and for him, and how everything turned out “perfect” and how God graciously blessed their “broken road”… thank you Rascal Flatts.
But what happens to those who find “the one” but then she marries someone else. And what about the one who “waited” until – nothing ever happened. Who is telling their story??! I’d like to fix this.
I think being married will be awesome. But I also think singleness is awesome. And married people, you know those really awkward times you had dating, that sketcky guy who would ask you out…all the time, those nervous feelings you would have when you would ask her out, those miserable yet hilarious dating experiences and all those other experiences you love to share and tell… well, we have more. And not only that, we are still making and creating them.
SO what’s REALLY happening with those of us who are dating, trying to date…looking for “the one,” wondering if “the one” even exists, hearing that we should wait for “the one” but not being able to get “the one” to return our calls, deciding to choose “the one” but then not knowing who to choose, so dating “one” in hopes that she’s “the one” but meeting another “one” and hoping it will be different this time but then missing the other “one” so going back to that “one” wondering if she’s really “the one” or once again, if “the one” even exists… I need a nap.
Yes, I am 30 and single. And no, I don’t have many answers. When I was 20 and leading a group of young men, I used to give out a lot of answers. When you are 30 and still single, you don’t give out as many answers. You just tell stories and ask questions. The more I learn about relationships, the more I realize I never will have many answers. But at some point, I’ll dive in to a lasting relationship and create new stories. In the meantime, I will enjoy the awkward stories, the nervousness of calling a girl and asking her out, the freedom of singleness and road trips, and the ability to relate to my people, those who have tried only to hope the next one is the last one. There’s a lot of us. And we have awesome stories. They don’t always have perfect endings…. But they can be pretty funny.
What you can expect: I’ll post a blog on Monday’s about My Story (tracing my thoughts, my love history), Our Story (roundtable conversations and thoughts of the people), or Your Story (telling your stories).
We’ll keep it clean and we will seek…not answers but conversation and fun. We all have an opinion. We all have a story. And I would love to hear yours.
girlandboystories 