I scribbled out some words last week based on a conversation I had had. Not thinking there would be much of a response or if anyone would even care or respond. Boy, was I mistaken. As every pocket of people I ran into, there seemed to be more pockets furthering the conversation with added thoughts, the need for clarifications, and the like. And I really enjoyed what everyone had to offer and I learned a lot myself through these conversations. I was unaware that these words would stir so much up and so I figured we must dive in deeper. (I speak from a guy’s view obviously, but you can flop the he’s and she’s in most places, you know)
I know some people cannot believe that a guy would be interested in “14” girls! But let me show you why the “14” concept is true as much as one may think that they are immune.
No one says, “I think you would be perfect with that guy or that girl, he (or she) is the cutest guy (or girl) here!” Nope, she’s gonna set you up with the guy “who knows where he’s going.” And he’s gonna set you up with the girl whose got a “great personality.” It’s true! Even subconsciously, we are never hooking our friends up with the guy or girl that we maybe, someday, might, yadayadayada ask out sometime. We try to set them up with the great girl or great guy who we know we aren’t interested in… and leave the other “14” to our future possibilities.
Girls have 14 guys they would say “yes” to for a date, right? So what’s wrong with guys having 14 girls they would take on a date?
Your single friends, they will hook you up with anyone outside of that “14” because deep down inside, they are hoping you don’t select someone that is high on their list. That’s why, as often as I may get on married couples, your married buddy might actually hook you up with the #2 girl on his list because he has already secured #1.
People are always hoping the “popular guy” or “popular girl” who is atop everyone’s list will get married… because they feel that increases their chances with the rest of their list because that person will be taken off of everyone else’s. Seriously people, I can’t make this stuff up! It’s happening.
Another thing that we are going to have to realize about each other is that, yes, we are attracted to other people, not just one person…and maybe 14. I always had this dream growing up that I was only going to like…like really like… 1 girl…ever. God was going to tell me who she was and then we’d get married. Happily ever after. Then I fell for the girl. I found the “one.” And then she found someone else. And this happened more than once. And the realization process of how this thing actually works itself out in reality came true. And there are a lot of fun times. A lot of awkward times. A lot of hurt. And a lot of emotion.
But by no means is it easy. And we must have grace with one another.
Some people have asked me, you are writing this stuff but do you ever ask out girls? Yes. If I am interested in a girl, I will ask her out. In the right context though. I’m not interested in asking out the “14.” But yeah, I don’t mind getting to know a girl. But anytime you do, it is an emotional investment and often more on one side than the other. This can make things difficult on one side or both.
Some people choose not to deal with it and wait for 1 they really want to pursue. Can’t be mad at them for that. I usually err on that side. Part of why guys aren’t asking all these girls out is that emotion. In the context of a community, when a guy asks a girl out, he is endangering himself within the whole community – either he finds the one he wants to be with or he doesn’t and A – its really awkward… B – he (or she) has to leave the group… C – he gets blacklisted by all her friends or D – all of the above. I’m not saying a guy shouldn’t ask a girl out, just that there is a lot more to it. But the ins and outs of that are probably for another time. It’s not typically as easy as “just ask her out!” which is what I usually hear. I think its fine if I do but I typically choose not to until I know I really want to. Because I don’t want to deal with all the other things listed above.
Some girls are upset about the fact that if a guy likes 14 girls, then why isn’t he asking any of them out. It’s a fair question but as has been said, the answer is often much more complicated and one needs not judge guys in general here.
I think we hear from the Christian community often about how guys need to ask girls out more often. This is a very poor stereotype that unfairly judges the young men in the Christian community. Firstly, yes, some guys do need to ask more girls out. Secondly, some guys are doing just fine and doing it the right way. And thirdly, some guys need to STOP asking so many girls out. We tend to get hung up on #1 when there are two other categories of guys.
My man doing it the right way, probably ain’t asking all 14 out. There are 14 girls of interest out there, as there should be. He is figuring out which ones he truly thinks there might be a future there with and then … and THEN… hopefully he WILL ask one out.
There are different tiers to the “14” as well. At Tier 1, there are maybe 1-3 girls that you are interested in and would like to get to know better. At Tier 2, there are the girls you think you might be interested in, maybe, if you got to know them a little more. At Tier 3, there are the girls who you don’t know that well at all, but you’re intrigued.
Therefore there are different stages of jealousy, different scenarios, and etc. to touch based on that issue as well.
The point is that a guy isn’t claiming 14 girls and no one else can have them. The point is that the guy has 14 potential girls that he would take on a date and get to know more. Just like there are 14 guys that the girl would say “yes” to for a date.
So with Tier 1, if your guy friend asks one of them out, sure, you are gonna be down on him (but did he know? Did he not know? Should he have known? It’s debatable if anyone has done anything wrong). With Tier 2, the friend likely does not know and she is down your list so when he asks her out, you are hurt for a minute, but more so because you are disappointed because you missed your chance and he asked her not because you are upset with him. At Tier 3, you think, “well… next.”
It’s not that we, as guys, hate the other guy, (unless your homeboy goes after a Tier 1, then its over), we’re just disappointed that the girl is no longer available! And the guy may be just as frustrated with his indecisiveness (any guys out there?! Hey!!!) as he is with being frustrated with the other guy…
It’s tough I know. I think the jealousy and hurt are real. I’ve been on both sides. Causing it, walking in it. Thinking it to be ridiculous that a girl won’t let me date her friend and then being dearly hurt when it happens on the other end. I understand the disappointment. And I understand the realization that its usually my fault (and I don’t speak that humbly, but collectively). We invest our lives in things that are temporary. We invest our lives in feelings and emotions. And we invest our lives in things that are destined to crumble. And when they do, we are left hurt, disappointed, and broken. And that’s ok. God has a soft spot for broken people.
So……..are there “14” girls I have corned off for myself and are making sure no others guys ask out. Absolutely not. Are there a few girls I have corned off? Nope. Sorry to disappoint. But are there 14 godly girls out there who should have a godly guy take them out and get to know them? Absolutely. 14 ain’t a bad thing. There’s a lot of great qualities in a lot of great people. It’s not about comparison but of finding the right person for you. So in the meantime, get to know each other, do our best not to get jealous, not to get hung up on the temporary, treat each other purely and right, and all should fare well… maybe. Hopefully.
Or maybe we should all just update our facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”