How much does finding the “right person” really matter?

We spend a lot of time looking for the “right person.”  Hoping to find “the one.”  Moving from relationship to relationship until it “feels” right.

And this isn’t all wrong…. But…. What if there is not a “right person?”  As in how we view the right person.  We often feel that if we marry the right person, if we find the one, then we win.  We will therefor live happily ever after because we found them!

Everything in culture says that if you find the right person, then everything will be alright.


When you open the Scriptures, you find very little about finding the “right person” but a lot about who we should become.

I think finding the right person and having a connection and chemistry is important.  But we often allow chemistry and connection to cause us to overlook character flaws.  I can be in the “best” relationship possible with the “right” girl and the best chemistry, but if I have trouble with keeping commitments, honoring girls, or another character flaw – regardless of how great the relationship is, it is inevitably doomed.

Unfortunately, the divorce rate stands around 50% inside and outside of the church despite people finding the right chemistry, the right connection, and the right person.

This is because…

The important thing isn’t finding the right person but becoming the kind of person who can keep a commitment. 

As we make daily choices in who we are becoming and how we are treating men and women inside and outside of relationships, the most important thing is to honor those relationships whether they are at a friendship, dating, or any other level.  And then we will become young men and ladies who are able to keep a commitment and honor another not because we made a promise (that half of us break) but because we have developed ourselves into people of honor and character who truly are able to love for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.

(Regards to Andy Stanley again who encouraged these thoughts)


Pay Attention to the Tension

I was listening to a podcast by Andy Stanley the other week about choices.

One statement he shared that stood out the most was, “Pay Attention to the Tension.”

He talked about how sometimes we need to take the time to pause…. And ask ourselves questions…. About what we are really thinking, and feeling… and why we are doing what we are doing.

I thought this was incredibly applicable to relationships.  He was speaking on choices.  And relationships are choices.  So yes, I’d say it is applicable.

There are two extremes we can make with tension.  One is to bail.  One is to suppress.  I have erred on both sides before.

The answer to the problem is simple but not always what we would want.  It’s to simply let the tension grow.  And grow.  And grow.  Allow it to grow as big as its gonna be before making your decision.

Sometimes our tension comes from fear and we need to ask ourselves questions and line up what we are feeling with what God’s Word says.  Sometimes our tension comes from our consciences telling us something is amiss and in that case we should take the same approach of asking ourselves questions and lining up what we feel with what God’s Word says.

Is there a tension that needs my attention?  If there’s a tension, pause      ………..       ……         …., refuse to suppress or ignore it.

You know those awkward pauses when you are talking to someone?  Yes, try one of those on yourself.  Make it really awkward.  Look deeply into yourself.  Why are you in this relationship?  Why are you staying in it?  Why are you trying to get out?   What are you looking for?  Why are you looking for that?  Where are you headed physically?  Why are you headed there?

Ask yourself questions.  And listen.  And when there’s a tension….

Pay attention to the tension, don’t try to hide it.

I’ve been in the relationship that didn’t feel right but I didn’t want it to end so I stayed there.  I buried the tension.  I didn’t listen to it.  And eventually I was forced to make a decision I should have made sooner.  I’ve been in a relationship where the physical aspect began to enter and I felt a tension and I had to tell the girl immediately about the tension or I risked burying the tension and doing whatever I wanted.

Guys, if you are leading a relationship, and you are not comfortable in it.  It’s ok to ask yourself honest questions and to pay attention to the tension.  Guys, when you are leading a relationship and you are going somewhere physically and you feel a tension, it is not only right, but you better, pause, and listen to the tension.

Gals, when you are in a relationship, and you are not sure if it is what God has for you, it is ok to listen to the tension and seek wise counsel.  Gals, when a guy is leading you somewhere physically, and you are not comfortable with it, please, listen to that tension.

The tension doesn’t always mean there is something wrong.  Sometimes our feelings can deceive us.  But sometimes that tension might be giving us a clue as well.  That is why we must pause                                           …….. awkwardly pause…….                                               And ask ourselves questions.  Read God’s Word.  And seek wise counsel.

The tension is there to make us better.  Tension causes us to search and seek for what is right and what is best.  That’s why it is best for us to listen to it and let it grow.  Sometimes we like to stuff that tension and uneasiness down so we don’t hear it and we simply go on doing what we want to do.  And eventually as we suppress it, it will come out in other ways and will eventually deaden your souls… If we are suppressing what we truly feel and aren’t being honest with ourselves and the choices we are making, our souls won’t be able to breathe.

So if you feel a tension, listen to it and let it grow.  And if it keeps grows… keep listening.

Do you know what I went through just to dial your number?!

Girls wonder why we don’t just call them and ask them out.  It’s not that easy.

98 degrees once said, “It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, to look you in the eye and tell you I don’t love you.”

They could be right.

But there is something else that is almost just as difficult.

That is simply calling the girl in the first place.

I remember the first time I called a girl.  It was in 5th grade.  She was my first girlfriend.  I thought I should call her because that’s what a boyfriend should do.  I also never talked to her at school because I thought that was what I should do too.  So I flirted with her friends during the day and then called her once a month.

I would wait till I was home alone and I would go into my parent’s room where they had a phone with buttons.  The one in the kitchen was a rotary (you may or may not know what that is).  I would dial about 4 of the 7 numbers and then freeze.  I’d get to 5 numbers and hold until the dial-tone started beeping.  I would sit on their bed wondering what I would say.  And then I would do it.  I would dial all 7 numbers, let it ring once, and hang up.

I’m 30 years old now and not a lot has changed.

I decide I am interested in getting to know a girl.  You know, after doing the group thing, the text thing, I figure I should probably call her.

This is where the nerves kick in.

I start debating it in my mind for maybe a week or two if I should make the call.  I mean, it changes everything.  At least in my mind.  And this debate is usually a good thing because soon I can’t debate it much longer or I will go crazy so I decide I must call.

Often a good day to make the call is on a Saturday.  That gives me a whole day.  I spend the morning pacing outside my apartment complex with the phone in hand.  I try to call but it’s too hard.  I pace back and forth until I have somewhere to be.  And then I send a text.  I’ll try again later.

Later in the day, I get ready again.  I grab my phone.

I rehearse both scenarios.  What will I say if she answers?  What will I say if it’s her voicemail?

I rehearse and I rehearse and I rehearse.  I start to dial.  Then I stop.  I pull her name up on my phone but don’t press.  The screen goes black a minute later as I just hold the phone and look at her name.  I walk to my room.  I lay down.  I text a friend, “pray for me.”  I start to dial again.  Can’t do it.  I wonder, ‘are these just nerves or is this God saying “no.”’  I figure its probably me just being lame.

I rehearse again.  I pray.  I dial.

So next time I call, you don’t have to say yes or no.  Just say “thank you, I know what you’ve been through.”