My Process: Part II

I didn’t realize what happened when Will passed.  I’m not sure if it was because I had been living close to his death for so long or what…

But those times of us fighting for Will’s life were sweet.  Meeting new people, making new friends.  Crying out to God, trusting Him from the depths of my soul.  Cherishing moments, every moment, with Will, with Angie, with family and friends.

When Will passed, some of those moments were still there.  The community was there.  The family was there.  Will’s music and testimony were there.

Will’s legacy and creativity created a longing in me to never lose a moment, to create all that I could.

And the result of all of those feelings has led to…

…just about nothing.

Instead of being inspired, I have in turn, lost all motivation.

I discipline myself to get through life.

When Will passed, I listened to his music everyday, all day.  Now, I can’t listen to his music anymore, it hurts too much.

Even after he passed, I would make sure to read at least a chapter of my Bible daily.  Now, I am lucky to get through a few verses each day.

And it’s not even because I don’t want to.  It’s because I don’t care.

For a moment, I was inspired to dream.  Now, my dreams are waning.

One thing that it has created is that it has given me a greater compassion for others.  Others who are hurting.  Others who have lost.

I don’t help others when they are in pain anymore.

I join them in their pain.

I still go to church but I’m pretty neutral towards it.  Worship is often the hardest.  Recently, I really just didn’t want to be there, so I stepped outside and started walking.  I decided to walk to Target, why not.  I found a homeless lady outside.  “What’s your name?” I said.  I let her know I would be back later that evening and every week after.  “What could you use?”  “I have peanut butter, I could use some jelly… and some dog food for Angel.”

I used to look down on people with nothing who used resources for pets.  But Angel was her best friend.  Angel stands by her, stands with her.  Something I’ve never done.

I was leaving Fred Meyer when a disheveled man came racing to my car.  He rambled a bit and asked for money for a bus ride.  “Do you just want a ride?” I said.  Some people think scary people like that should be avoided – maybe they will shoot you or steal your car but… I don’t really care anymore, I’d rather just have compassion for him.  He did indeed just want money though.  So I gave him all the money I had in my wallet.  “Hold on, I have some change in the car, you can have that too.”  I mean seriously, I don’t care.  He might buy alcohol or something, but at least that may alleviate some pain in his life rather than dollar bills burning a hole in my pocket.

I went back to my car and started to take off when I saw a man going through the garbage looking for bottles.  I turned around and dropped my bottles in his cart.

I’d still say I’m mad at God.  I don’t care to spend much time with Him.  My motivation for life is sincerely lacking.  But, I can definitely join others in their pain now rather than handing out Bible verses.

I see people hurting everywhere now.  Maybe I just couldn’t see before.  Or maybe I actually respond to those I see now.

I’ve lost a lot of hope in this world and what it has to offer.

And that sucks.  I want to have hope in this world.  I want to believe I can accomplish things here.  But everything seems so insignificant.  I want to dream.  To pursue relationships.  A family.  A career…. But I just don’t know anymore…

I’ve certainly lost hope in this world.  But maybe that’s a good thing.


My Love Life: I (words matter…even the little ones)

I had my first crush in pre-school.

She liked me too.

Cute, tall, blonde.

We were a perfect match.

She wrote me a love letter.

I threw it away immediately.

I thought that’s what you do when a girl writes you a love letter.

Yep, I’m still single.  And 30.  …haha

I see you Josh Hanson… getting ready to pop that collar at the ripe age of 4.  In case any of you were wondering where that trend started… now you know

We were fairly honest as kids…about who we liked.  We didn’t mind telling them.  We didn’t mind writing letters.  And if we did mind, we would just chase them on the playground.

The simple days.

I went from being embarrassed that a girl liked me to… wanting everyone to know who likes me…even if I didn’t like them.  It feeds the ego I guess.  “Can you believe she likes me?!”…”oh you didn’t know?”  “Yeah, she’s so into me but I’m not feeling it.”

But on the other side, I think it shows a little more than ego as well.

That note from pre-school.  They were just a few words on a piece of paper.  But they did something to me.  They caused a reaction.  They created emotion.

We go from throwing notes away to keeping notes tucked away.  From being embarrassed to simply cherishing words of encouragement, regardless of who from.  We all like to be liked.  To be wanted.  To know we have something of value to offer another.  And to know someone has seen it.

I’m not going to lie, it can be really tricky affirming someone of the opposite sex without giving mixed signals.  I seem to always be in debate with myself as to when the right time to say something is and how to say and if I should say it…  but I think it is a truly valuable thing and to simply not do it out of fear of how it will be received would cause me to miss a valuable opportunity to let someone know that they are beautiful, that they matter, and that someone noticed.

The key to not send mixed signals:

1 – mean what you say  2 – treat everyone the same  3 – whatever you say to someone individually, you should be able to say to them in a group

If we can cultivate the habit of affirming one another, cherishing what we have to offer each other, and speaking God’s good truth into each other’s lives, we will walk more securely, confidently, and assuredly as we become the men and women God created us to be.  All it takes sometimes, is just a few little words.