I didn’t realize what happened when Will passed. I’m not sure if it was because I had been living close to his death for so long or what…
But those times of us fighting for Will’s life were sweet. Meeting new people, making new friends. Crying out to God, trusting Him from the depths of my soul. Cherishing moments, every moment, with Will, with Angie, with family and friends.
When Will passed, some of those moments were still there. The community was there. The family was there. Will’s music and testimony were there.
Will’s legacy and creativity created a longing in me to never lose a moment, to create all that I could.
And the result of all of those feelings has led to…
…just about nothing.
Instead of being inspired, I have in turn, lost all motivation.
I discipline myself to get through life.
When Will passed, I listened to his music everyday, all day. Now, I can’t listen to his music anymore, it hurts too much.
Even after he passed, I would make sure to read at least a chapter of my Bible daily. Now, I am lucky to get through a few verses each day.
And it’s not even because I don’t want to. It’s because I don’t care.
For a moment, I was inspired to dream. Now, my dreams are waning.
One thing that it has created is that it has given me a greater compassion for others. Others who are hurting. Others who have lost.
I don’t help others when they are in pain anymore.
I join them in their pain.
I still go to church but I’m pretty neutral towards it. Worship is often the hardest. Recently, I really just didn’t want to be there, so I stepped outside and started walking. I decided to walk to Target, why not. I found a homeless lady outside. “What’s your name?” I said. I let her know I would be back later that evening and every week after. “What could you use?” “I have peanut butter, I could use some jelly… and some dog food for Angel.”
I used to look down on people with nothing who used resources for pets. But Angel was her best friend. Angel stands by her, stands with her. Something I’ve never done.
I was leaving Fred Meyer when a disheveled man came racing to my car. He rambled a bit and asked for money for a bus ride. “Do you just want a ride?” I said. Some people think scary people like that should be avoided – maybe they will shoot you or steal your car but… I don’t really care anymore, I’d rather just have compassion for him. He did indeed just want money though. So I gave him all the money I had in my wallet. “Hold on, I have some change in the car, you can have that too.” I mean seriously, I don’t care. He might buy alcohol or something, but at least that may alleviate some pain in his life rather than dollar bills burning a hole in my pocket.
I went back to my car and started to take off when I saw a man going through the garbage looking for bottles. I turned around and dropped my bottles in his cart.
I’d still say I’m mad at God. I don’t care to spend much time with Him. My motivation for life is sincerely lacking. But, I can definitely join others in their pain now rather than handing out Bible verses.
I see people hurting everywhere now. Maybe I just couldn’t see before. Or maybe I actually respond to those I see now.
I’ve lost a lot of hope in this world and what it has to offer.
And that sucks. I want to have hope in this world. I want to believe I can accomplish things here. But everything seems so insignificant. I want to dream. To pursue relationships. A family. A career…. But I just don’t know anymore…
I’ve certainly lost hope in this world. But maybe that’s a good thing.