I can’t believe you asked her out, I was maybe possibly thinking about perhaps asking her out perchance sometime too…this ain’t cool.

My friend Jeff Hartley asked me what I was gonna do about a certain girl that I like.  He knew that I had been interested in her for awhile.  I replied, “Absolutely nothing.” ….”but don’t get me wrong Jeff, if another guy asks her out and she says yes, I will be very jealous.”

He knew she was the type of girl who, “Yeah, I’d married her.  I just don’t know if I want to.  I might want to.  Someday.  I’m just not sure right now.  Sometimes I think I do.  Sometimes I’m not sure at all.  I mean, I’d be the happiest guy alive if I did marry her.  But I’m just not sure if she’s the one I want to marry.  So in the meantime, I will continue to ponder the possibilities of potentially asking her out on an actual date and seeing if there is something more there but maybe I won’t find out what I want to find out and I’ll be left continuously wondering whether she is the one for me or not.  Yeah, that’s the type of girl she is.”  You may think I’m crazy.  I either think …A – you are just like me.  Or… B – you are absolutely correct.

This got us into stories about girls we had never gone out with, never asked out – and then got jealous when she started dating another guy.

I remember one time where I had been interested in this girl and had thought about asking her out.  I was half-heartedly kind of trying and was even gonna ask one night before another guy corned her for the evening.  And while I was thinking, “Should I?  Should I not?  When should I?  When should I not?” …she starts dating this other guy!  And my heart sank.  I was depressed for about 2 days.  Because I thought, maybe, someday, maybe I would want to ask her out!

I was obviously down on this guy.  But not only him, if a close friend were to do this to me, I’d be down on him too.  “Did what?”  Exactly, he wouldn’t even know what he did.  But he should just know, she was for me.  Maybe.  If I decided that maybe perhaps I think someday she will be for me.

I was meeting with one of my pastors, Phil Comer, one time and he asked me what was going on.  I told him that a friend of mine had asked out a girl I thought I might like so I was mad at him (my friend).  Phil told me that was really dumb.  I told him “I know.  But I’m still mad at him.”

It goes like this…

I’m jealous of you (my friend) even though I love you, support you and want what’s best for you unless I think what’s best for you might be what’s best for me then I might want it for myself but as long as what’s best for you is not something I am interested in at the moment, then I fully support you and love you and want that for you and I will be by your side so long as I don’t decide that what that best thing is in your life is best for me too.

Yeah, I think that’s about what goes through my mind.

During this conversation with Jeff, he tells me he is thinking about asking out Kari Jobe.  I said, “Who is that?”  He said, “A singer.”  A good response from me might be “cool Jeff, that’s awesome” “you should do that” …something like that.  And in fact, that probably was my actual response, “Cool Jeff, that’s awesome, do it”.  But on the inside of me, I was thinking, “Why do you get to ask her out?  What if I want to ask her out?”

Later that night while Jeff was in one room and me in another, I googled Kari so I also might know if I wanted to ask her out.

I’m not a bitter single.  I love it when my friends get married.  I love seeing two people find the one they want to spend their lives with, fall in love, and journey through life together.

But I sure can be a jealous single.  Not jealous as in “I want to be married, why are they married and I’m not!”  Nah, I’m cool with being single.  I’m jealous in a “I want what I want at all times with all options, possibilities, choices, and selections” kind of way.

(Side note: I’m not of the jealous type who doesn’t “allow” my friend or someone to date someone I like.  I think that’s really stupid.  In fact, I think they have great tastes.)

Me and Jeff began to talk about James 4.  It says, “What cause fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  …You do not have because you do not ask God.”

Yep.  The Word of God stands forever.  That’s good, real good.  I’m pretty sure I’d be much better off loving, supporting others and then simply asking God to fill my needs.  And I’m also pretty sure that I’m pretty messed up.

We, as in guys (or maybe it’s just me…or maybe me and Jeff…but don’t put that on Jeff, I need him to have a great reputation so he will let me keep writing about him…so assume its just me), have a nest of like 14 girls that we are interested in, and maybe someday we’ll marry one one day or maybe take one on a date, and as long as you don’t ask one of them out, we’re cool but as soon as you do, well, we ain’t boys anymore.

If you are thinking, “that sounds really bad and not Christian at all.”  You’re right.  And I’m in process.  God help me.  In the meantime Jeff, she’s not in my 14, so go for it brother.


23 thoughts on “I can’t believe you asked her out, I was maybe possibly thinking about perhaps asking her out perchance sometime too…this ain’t cool.

  1. Hahaha! I think girls deal with similar feelings, though we don’t (at least in our community in general) do the pursuing. When a girl tries to make herself “inviting” as Diane Comer calls it, and the guy she is making eyes asks another girl out, often the girl may harbor feelings of jealousy toward the other girl. Silly, but that’s the way it is.

    • Right on Shanika. Thanks for sharing. Silly it is, absolutely. Inviting is nice… especially when you like the girl… when you don’t… inviting gets a little weird too! oh relationships.

  2. Hahaha… I agree with Shanika. But, at least for me, I sometimes get jealous even when another girl TALKS about a guy of interest… it goes a little like this: “Oh my goodness, I canNOT believe this gurl is talking about him, and how she wishes they could “hang out” or go to “coffee”-WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS- you’re not fooling ANYBODY, even though I secretly wish he’d maybe ask ME to coffee, because I think I could probably, maybe really like him, even though I don’t know if I would actually go to “coffee” with him because we all know I’m busy… but I’m jus sayin… he’s basically mine, so why is she even talking about him……….Dang, I’m never gonna get that coffee am I!” Lol

  3. LOL!!! The post was the ice cream sunday and Amber’s comment was the cherry on top!!! Deanna and I can’t stop laughing! Amber, stop sharing our catty secrets!!! ;D

    Here’s a toast… (Raise your water glass and give someone a Christian side hug)
    “Cheers to making moves!”

  4. So great =) It is amazing how quickly we vacillate between “I want to love and be loved!” and “I love my independence!” One day we are jaded that we are “rejected” or “undesirable” and the next we are running from the very people catching our eye. We long for the idea of marriage but are afraid to pay the price.

  5. Oh my goodness!!!! I always KNEW that guys thought this way, finally someone came out and honestly said it. Pretty hilarious stuff, there are just way too many awesome girls, right?

    I agree with Caitlin. Come on guys, stop thinking about it and just ask her out already…if she’s as awesome as you think she is then most likely she won’t be single forever!

  6. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
    I’m completely in agreement with Caitlin on this one…just ask her out! No guts, no glory, right? :)

  7. I’ll be the first to encourage a bro to ask her the girl out. But it can be more complicated than that.

    What if, the girl has a friend? And maybe, someday, if it didn’t work out with this girl you are thinking of asking out, you wanted to ask her friend out? Now that you have asked out, or dated, her friend, do you still have the chance to ask the friend out?

    Or what if they’re not friends at all? But, the last girl you dated and you had a miscommunication. One that gave you two totally different ideas about how things ended. Maybe you didn’t even realize you were couple. But because she considers that after the third time you went to coffee it put you in the “couple” status. And you thought you were safe because the first time you had coffee, which she is counting, you’re not counting. Simply because you didn’t plan to have coffee together that time. You just both happened to be in Ava, at Progress Ridge, on Friday night, and all the tables where full, but you were trying to read your Bible and she was the only one with an open seat, and you were both drinking coffee, because they didn’t have anymore orange juice… So she thought you were a “couple” but you thought you were just “dating” and before one of the coffee date 2 and 3 you told her you were “sure” you wanted to see if you should be a “couple, but she thought you said you were “sure” you wanted to be a “couple.” So, as stated, there was a miscommunication. And now you’re blacklisted!

    So you’re not even sure if you can date this other girl because you know that she knows that you dated this other girl and everyone thinks you lead her on, but you know it was a misunderstanding…

    And then, lets just say, JMC gave a rocking teaching that everyone loved last weekend. People were talking about it for days. People that missed church are podcasting it. While people that were there are also podcasting it because it was so good. And at the tale end of this amazing teaching, JMC drops it again, “sisters you should know what his mission is before you marry him.” (Or something along those lines that we’ve all heard.) And so the sisters, trying to be solid and obedient take that into the effect that they’re not even going to date a guy until they know his mission, meaning they’re not going to go on a date until they know. Say this dude is a total stud. He’s got a job, is involved in a “missional community,” serves regularly, has a great mentor, is surrounded by amazing brothers that hold him accountable, went on a mission trip this last summer, but still isn’t sure what his “mission” is supposed to be… But he would like to ask this girl out, but before he even gets to that part, she asks him what his mission is. When he tries to explain that he’s not quite sure but he’s working on discovering it, she’s already updating her facebook status to, “sisters you should know what his mission is before you marry him.”

    See… It can all be quite complicated ;)

    • Haha, that was awesome – and true… although funny… true too. I’ve been on both ends brother…. Being the one thinking I am dating a girl only to find out we are becoming best friends.

      I also love the updated statuses that you know are referring to you… haha, I’ve been there as well.

      As much as people want to simplify the process, the fact is, like you stated, it can be pretty complicated… so our alternative is to make humor out of it and do our best to enjoy the ride.

      Love the first statement you made. Right on. “I’ll be the first to encourage a bro to ask a girl out… but it can be more complicated that that.”

  8. I related to all of this BIG TYME!!! Haha great post and I enjoy the comments too! I have personally been in a season of growth. That being said I am not only finding my mission but rebuilding my identity in following The LORD and his call on my life. Joining with the people of God has been great and also has been perspective changing. For instance I had been for quite some time letting people know that I am not interested in dating during a time when I am finding myself and creating new habits I want for years to come. However if I was polite to someone or just wanted some company to hang out with, I felt people read into it or over analyzed my kindness and companionship. You could just even hang out with someone one time or a couple times and next thing you know they think it is going one way or you are questioning and checking your motivation behind inviting someone to this or that place… I know for me I am really excited to date and at the same time terrified. Like please be the right person the next time LORD. However maybe it takes a few more wrong times to finally meet that one at the right time. Seems like it would be great to feel a part of a healthy God centered relationship. Exciting, new, and fun… Then you go and make this post… and I feel all self-conscious about the whole process!!! Hahah So much going on in life like what was mentioned earlier. Work, pursuing a degree, church activities, and not to mention the recent NFL coverage, college Football, and upcoming NBA season. I haven’t even brought up sleep. Now responding and reading this whole thread. How do people have time to date? Of course I would make time for that right person! Arranged marriage would be so much simpler. OK nuff said after that one time for shuteye. Ill leave arrangements to divine intervention. I like what was said earlier. Just ask her out.
    #makinmoves #movesmaketheman

    • Hey brother,

      Thanks for the input. Excited about your growth, and excited to hear of your desires. God will fulfill them. And you will know when the time is right. It’s fine to be patient and wait for that continued growth and the right time to pursue a relationship. Or if you are down with the arranged, let me and Dan-o know, and we can help get you taken care of. Have a good one bro. Thanks for writing.

  9. Oy, this all sounds like a big math problem… It’s probable that the 14ish probably aren’t ignorant to your presence in their lives either haha… Or to the presence of the other 13 …  Now maybe only 6 of them are truly interested in return… Leaving 7 not so good choices  you could make that could wreck the opportunity with the 6 who would then feel less worthy and as though, if it was the Lords will he would have seen me, noticed me and wanted me as I am above and beyond the 13 or the entire world for that matter.. let alone the one he picked that turned out to be wrong when I was an option too and apparently I must not be pretty enough, or funny enough or gentle enough.. I didn’t serve enough… I served too much…. Blah blah etc etc… And then there’s the fact that when you pick one, maybe one of the 6 prospects who already know which magazing their dress would be purchased from…  she’s probably going to naturally wonder who the other 13 were to begin with whether she comes out and asks who they were or not… The question and insecurity will probably linger as she tries to remain acting the roll of worthy of the top of the list while at least 10 loving daggers from the eyes of the depressed (for at least 2 days) 5 girls of the pickings of wonderfully incredible sisters now shoot towards the one chosen, though they all truly want abundant life, beauty and love for eachother… It still hurts…. But the group stays surface level awesome cause no one wants anyone to know it hurts to see someone else happy .. though maybe a couple girls can’t deal and find another missional community, though they’ll be at the wedding with bells on.. but truthfully their heart wonders ‘why not me’ as they press on and hope with the next guy that they are willing to sacrifice their life for unconditionally has a smaller group of pickings that maybe this time she might have better odds this go around at being pursued and chosen… time is ticking as we are always reminded…  Presuming you pick one whos desire is to give all that she is to the Lord in aswell submit her life to unconditionally making you the happiest guy on earth, the sooner you take the lead with one…. The longer and more time the other 5-13  will have to heal the ‘what ifs’, and move forward with the Lords help (He is enough), instead of lingering stagnant in the inviting waiting pool.  It’s always going to be complicated, but the fact that we are called to be with One is for a good reason… When you pick One, they won’t want to go to the alter thinking they were a good option among the masses, they will probably want assurance that among the masses they were the only option and that you would fight tooth and nail for their heart daily and forever regardless of the wonderful women of God who will always surround your relationship together… That she’s the one you fought through life to find, save and protect forever.  A woman picked out of a cookie jar might not think of herself as special and irreplaceable, eventually she could feel like a poser always trying to remain the best option on the top of the pile.  Even if the cookie jar was only filled with the best of the best possible options in the world to begin with.  The less you know about what you truly want the larger and larger the waiting pool will get.  When it comes down to it though… Love IS unconditional and when you choose to give it.. conditions you thought you had will be broken… ‘i could never love someone who…[Fill in the blank]… It could happen to them at somepoint.. Maybe their parents die and they become an alcoholic immersed with depression, maybe they get in a car accident and can’t walk, or are diagnosed with an incurable disease that requires every dime you ever imagined earning to fight it daily… You aren’t just picking someone to be happy with… Who’s a good Christian woman…  You’re going to be content to love this person regardless of whatever twists and turns come along the path… You are going to love sharing in suffering with this person….  Who are you willing to not only be on mission with but to lay down your mission and life for in a split second when your dreams and all you aspire toward in life are fruitless compaired to surrendering it all to win just one more moment in battle fighting for the person the Lord bound you to as One…  Maybe my view of relationship is skewed having been raised by parents who married into the perfect dream life started raising a family together and then ended up with a mom who suffered every day of the remainder of her life from when i was about 3yrs old to the time i was 23 when she passed from a disease… With a dad who fought everyday for her and with her and 15 years into the valiant battle fell, broke, lost and ran…   Who would you endure 20, 25, 40, 50yrs with if it meant you gave all of your plans away… And instead of being served, had to serve in return with all that you are capable of giving… Are your eyes focused on the quality of life the woman would add to your plans… Or the plan the Lord has for you in Christ to present One woman, the church in all her glory holy and blameless… Nourished and cherished as Christ also does the church.  There doesn’t have to be a cookie jar of casualties …IF she’s somewhere in front of you, seek to find with Trust in the Lord and start living out the mission He gave to you as a man… And men… Please don’t let Satan or anyone else tell you you aren’t man enough for the mission you are clearly ready and equipt in Christ to pursue if He is truly the head of your body and has placed the mission before you. Singles:  Has the Lord invited you to place your foot in the water? … Or not.  He will be your strength and your rock.. its not like a relationship means you’re on your own all the sudden.  But how often does following the Lord require us to sacrifice, be not afraid AND trust Him..Faith is expressed by what we Do with our love for our good God.. our purpose: in knowing Him and making Him known.  Making mistakes is proof youre trying… Standing on the sidelines of the race and staring at all the shiney objects as they come and go though… Doesn’t display a value for singleness, and ones ability to just up and road trip whenever inspired… It’s fear that when we take the step in the water we’ll sink and says the Lord might not be big enough to pick us up or pick up the pieces or that the fight might be too hard to win and maybe theres some pride in the mix that we know whats best for us and what we need/want is what’s more important then how He wants to use us… Is He reallllly good… And we’re back to the fall, over and over.. everyday our fig leaf is showing and we’re trying to hide.

    Ps… Sorry, just a bunch of random free flowing thoughts..

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